30-something....eek!

I was going to write a long, deep retrospective on my 20s, but who the hell has time for that?! So here are two photos taken today.

I had a good 30th birthday. I had some family and friends stop by...which was extra nice because they did most of the baby "maintenance" for the day. Then Mark and I went out for a very nice seafood dinner. We had planned to go see some stand-up comedy (one of our favorite things), but we were both just so exhausted after dinner that we blew it off and went home instead (further evidence that I'm getting old).

Perhaps I will write more about the ending on one era and the beginning of another one day when I have some free time...HA HA...as if that exists anymore.

Oh, and for the 6th year in a row (i.e., for as long as I've been with Mark), my mother-in-law has forgotten my birthday. No call, no card, no gift, nada. Reason #172 she is called the monster-in-law.

Birth Announcements

I wanted to show everyone what we are doing for our birth announcements. We decided a while back that we wanted to do something unique and something distinctly not "baby-ish." My two baby showers and my nursery are all over-the-top cute and baby-ish, so Mark and I are on cuteness overload.

Anyway, I found this guy who makes movie poster-style birth announcements. We think they are so cool looking and definitely different! It has all of their birth stats plus other things like...

Directed by [OB's Name]

Produced by [Our Names]

Filmed on location at Seton Medical Center

Supporting Cast [peri doc, neo doc, head nurse's names]

Now Showing in Austin, TX

Catered by Mommy & Similac

Soundtrack Available on Waaahhh!!! Records

Rated "T" for Twins

etc.

This is also a cute nod of sorts to my mother-in-law who was a child star back in her day. (She played Darla in The Little Rascals movies in the 1940s.)

Here is a link to his web site...5 Star Baby. I have also posted the two twin samples he emailed me. If you save the photos and blow them up, you can see all the details I am talking about.

In other news...I had my post-partum OB appointment this morning. All is well. My blood pressure is still high (damn pre-eclampsia...it's still hanging on!). I will have it checked in a month and if there is no major improvement he will put me on blood pressure meds and send me to a cardiologist. Wonderful. That's I need...another specialist!

We have had a rough day with Carson. He is developing a pattern of crying his butt off until I put him on my chest. This is concerning to me because years ago my mother-in-law told me my husband only wanted to sleep on her chest/stomach when he was a baby. I know Carson's had some gas issues lately, and perhaps laying on his tummy helps...or...could this behavior/preference actually be genetic? What's really odd is he can be in full-blown cry mode and the second his cheek hits my chest he is out like a light. I don't know what to do with this. Mark is afraid I am "spoiling" him but there is only so much crying I can take. Not to mention there is always the fear that his screaming will wake up Kate, and then I would have two screaming twins. [And that is to be avoided at ALL cost!]

Cleaning House

I deleted my "It sucks being the Miranda" post because some people in my real life (ahem, actually it was just one person) can't handle reading about feelings on certain topic. Perhaps it hits a little too close to home for them, and more specifically they read into it what isn't there. [Ironically, the person it pissed off wasn't even the subject of that post.]

So, if you can't handle the reality of my situation and my feelings, don't read the blog. It's that simple. Most of the time lately, I feel that this blog is the only place for me to put down my thoughts and feelings while I am undergoing this major life change. I actually have to schedule in time during my day (or night) to post something on here, but I almost consider it therapy. I don't care if strangers read it or no one at all...I need a place that's just mine. Hardly anyone in my real life knows of this blog, and if they do find it...well...just be grateful I am not posting photos and names. :)

One of the best aspects of being so busy with infants is that you quickly learn how to prioritize what's important and what's not. It's been long overdue that I do some housecleaning (so to speak) in my life, and that's starting now.

Anyway, my mom is back in town, and the time apart was good. The babies are doing great and I actually managed to get in 3 hours of sleep last night. Carson did not have a "colic episode" last night, so now I am wondering if it was colic at all. Perhaps he just had an upset tummy for three nights in a row. Who knows.

We are having a get-together at our house this Saturday (my 30th birthday). It will be fun to show off the twins and see everyone. I wish our pool was warm enough to swim in, but that probably won't happen until late May.

What a difference sleep can make!

Today has been a better day (so far). This is mainly due to the fact that (a) Mark did night duty and I got 7 hours of consecutive sleep, (b) my mom will be gone for 2 days and we desperately needed a break from each other, (c) I finally heard back from the UT School of Nursing and I am getting good feedback on the nanny hunt, and (d) Mark's massive case just settled today! He took the afternoon off and we had a good talk. I don't want to say all is well just yet, but we are on a better path.

Kate has been cluster-feeding like crazy today. The pedi said this might happen, and it definitely happened today! She is only eating an ounce or so and doing it every hour to hour and a half. Good grief! I hope this doesn't last long.

Random thoughts...you can never have too many bibs. Also, I heard back from a local nanny service and they charge $225 per night for a night nanny plus a 10% agency fee and taxes! I find it hard to believe that a nanny working 5 hours per night 5 days a week can make over $60,000 per year. So, I'm back hunting at UT School of Nursing.

I wasn't prepared for how hard this would be...

I'm falling apart. Today's highlights include:

• Sleeping for 2 hours over the past 24 hours.
• Carson having colic from 2 to 4 AM. Nothing I do seems to soothe his screaming.
• I got into a major fight with my bossy, nagging, controlling mother. That resulted in her crying most of the day and a household full of I'm-not-speaking-to-you tension. I want her gone. I love her, but there is room for only one Queen Bee in my house.
• Breaking down in the OB's lobby today. Crying and crying. Everyone looked at me like I was totally pathetic, and I didn't give a shit. Then right as the OB was going to see me, he had to walk across the street for an emergency delivery. So I left. I wasn't going to wait for him and that pissed off his nurses. I don't have 3 hours of my day to devote to waiting on anyone. I re-scheduled for Thursday morning. Oh, and my blood pressure was sky high. Looks like my pre-eclampsia is still around and a trip to a cardiologist is in my near future. Great.
• I'm still having trouble finding a good nanny service. Calls and emails don't get returned when I call and place inquires. Finding a good nanny who will allow me to get 4 hours of sleep per day may be the only thing that saves me physically and emotionally right now.
• And, finally, being married to a husband who never asks about my day. He came in from work and started yapping away about his crap. I listened and showed interest in his stuff. Then he spends the rest of the evening acting irritated with me...even on a day when I so obviously needed a hug. He never asked about my OB appointment or what was going on with my mom. I don't think I can be married to someone who can't at least ask, "How was your day?" He doesn't ask because he thinks I have a cushy life just napping all day and playing with cute babies.

When does your first period happen after a c-section? Either I am depressed (isn't it too late for PPD?) or I am experiencing the worst case of psychotic PMS on record. It's been 6 weeks since the birth, so I am wondering when the dreaded period will re-appear.

Kate

Let me know if you are getting sick of all the new photos.

Twin Overload!

New Photos of Carson

His hand was behind his ear in this one.

More & More Photos of the Twins

All of these taken today.

New Photos of Kate

I love baby feet!

Here are some photos of Kate & her little feet taken today!

Not Much to Say...

I don't have much report other than my mom has decided to stay here another week. We had talked about taking the babies with me to Houston and staying with her there. I just don't feel comfortable with that yet. Carson may be getting a sinus infection or cold. I have three doc appointments next week. I feel like a single parent right now...Mark is just non-existent currently. I am so sleepy and crabby these days. My goal for next week is to finalize nanny plans so I can at least sleep every morning.

Also, I want to say congratulations to one of my pregnant-with-twins blogger buddies, Kerry Lynn. She carried her boy/girl twins to term (wow!) and they were born on St. Patrick's Day.

Photo of the Day: Fish Face

Kate is notorious for her "fish face" expression. Sometimes she will literally fall asleep with her fish face. It is not a momentary expression, she can hold it for a while. Here is one from this morning.

Dangers of Dog Hair

I am somewhat (okay, very) embarrassed to post this little nugget, but...

I had a dog hair surgically removed from my foot today! Yes, a DOG HAIR. More specifically, an inch long coarse black hair from my lab dog Maggie.

Back Story: Back in January (i.e., when I was massively pregnant with the twins and starting to have complications), I could tell I had something stuck in the ball of my left foot. It wasn't painful, but it was irritating. I ignored it. It looked like a tiny black spec, and I couldn't get it out myself. As the months have gone by, it has really started to hurt but I was so involved with the NICU life that I continued to ignore it. However, since I am a diabetic and need to be careful of my feet, I made an appointment with a podiatrist this week. I figured I could have it looked at while my mom was in town to watch the twins.

Anyway, the foot doc had to CUT it out. Oh, and no numbing stuff! It was so damn painful. I was horribly embarrassed when he announced it was a dog hair. Don't even ask how this happened. I have no idea, but I will always wear slippers around the house from now on! So now I have my foot bandaged up and it hurts like holy hell to walk on.

In other news...I felt good today because I was able to sleep last night. I had to call the pedi nurse to have her remind me what the pedi told me to do as far as Carson's tear duct blockage, gas drops, amount of tummy time, etc. I should not be allowed to go to such important doc appointments when I had been up for 48 hours straight! The nurse chuckled and said it happens more than you would think...parents too sleepy to remember what was said that is.

I have night duty tonight. Lovely. I still need to seriously get a nanny nailed down. It's amazing what 4-5 hours of sleep can do for me!

1st Pediatrian Appointment

The twins did great at their first pedi appointment. They also seemed to enjoy the car ride. Anyway, here are the stats...

NICU DISCHARGE (3/15)
Carson's Weight 5 lbs, 13 oz.
Kate's Weight 4 lbs, 4 oz.

1st PEDI APPOINTMENT (3/20)
Carson's Weight 6 lbs, 2 oz.
Kate's Weight 4 lbs, 8 oz.

I also spoke to a part-time nurse/nursing college student who has done nanny work in the past and also works at my pedi's office. I think we may be a good fit, so I will be talking to her further about possibly helping me out a few mornings a week.

The twins' have a follow-up appointment with the pedi in 10 days, and I am still trying to compute the massive amount of information the pedi put on us. (Damn I need some sleep!)

The twins will be having their first professional photo shoot at our house on Sunday morning (friend of the family). That should be fun....well, except they want me in some of the photos and they will be arriving at 8:30 AM...which means I need to do my hair & make-up and look halfway presentable by 8:30 in the damn morning! I have no idea how I will swing that. I hope they can Photo Shop my dark sleep deprived circles under my eyes out of the pics! :)

Random stuff from a sleepless night (and day)

We had a ROUGH night. Both twins were up screaming for no apparent reason. Carson did seem to have a tummy issue as he was farting all night and I could hear and feel his tummy making sounds. Then again...I have no idea what the hell I am talking about. This is all trial-and-error. New Mom stuff. The only way I could get Kate to sleep last night was to let her sleep on my chest while I napped on the sofa. This is NOT a habit I want to get into with her, but I was desperate after 3 hours. I like having my mom here (and I don't know how I will manage when she leaves), but there are some drawbacks to having a menopausal woman in the house. She is freezing all of us out. I have the babies bundled as if we live up north, and it's driving us nuts. [By the way, we are not cold natured. I always tend to be hot too, but this is freaking ridiculous!]

Kate peed on me this afternoon during a diaper change. I didn't know a baby girl could get that kind of mid-air arch, but she could!

Finding Pampers Swaddlers PREEMIE sized diapers is becoming a challenge. At the baby showers folks stocked me up with massive sized diapers, and finding preemie stuff is not as easy as you would think.

Carson's crying...

Nanny Needed?

Getting ready for her first at home bath.

Napping the in the Pack-n-Play

Day 2 is in the books. All continues to go well, but I am really beginning to wonder when I am going to sleep once my mom leaves. The twins are fed every 2 1/2 to 3 hours and it usually takes an hour to feed both (feed, burp multiple times, change diaper, cuddle & put back to bed). We are talking more and more about hiring a day nanny to help me out a few days or hours a week...especially since Mark is travelling so much right now. If I am doing day shift and night shift (so Mark can sleep for work), when I do sleep? Do any experienced twin moms have advice on this topic...sleep, nannies, time management? A NICU nurse suggested placing an ad with the UT School of Nursing. Good nanny help might be found there. Thoughts?

Here are some photos from today...including Kate's first bath at home. Overall she appeared to love the bath, but it's funny how it took three adults to determine the proper water temperature! The rest are posted on Kate & Carson's Flickr page (link in the sidebar).

Homecoming

Kate & Carson are home!

First Visitors

My cousins Julie (who has 6 month old twin boys) and Jil stopped by for a quick visit with the twins. We had a good first full day home...get a routine down, feel less overwhelmed, and grateful that my mom is here! She did "night duty" last night with the twins, and let Mark and I get a full night's rest. It was one of the best gifts she has ever given me!

Home

We are all home. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Functioning on 2 hours of sleep. A few moments of crying...me & the twins. My mom came in a day early to help. Thank God! More later.

Goodbye Sleep

Okay, ya'll, I'm freaking out just a tad tonight. Tonight is my LAST alone. Tomorrow night we do the rooming-in thing with the twins at the hospital, and then they are home with us after that. I have been running around preparing the house as if I was expecting house guests that I am trying to impress. (Hmm, do you think the twins will notice how nicely the guest bathroom hand towels are folded?)

I have been fighting and pushing like hell to get the twins out of NICU, and now that it's happening...umm, I have no idea what I am doing!

I know this must sound incredibly crazy, but I feel like I will officially become a mom on Thursday morning. Nevermind the fact that they were cut out of my body over a month ago or that I have been visiting them twice a day since that time. Thursday is when it happens.

Everyone has been telling me to go to bed early tonight because it's the last time I was sleep again. However, it 1:00 AM Wednesday morning and I can't sleep!

By the way, does anyone know how long I need to boil the bottles (sterilizing)? It's the last item of my list to do in the morning. Sheesh...you see what I mean? I don't know what I am doing. I don't even know how to sterilize the bottles. Oh, and what about the nipples and whatnot? Do I toss them in too?

Car Seat Test

Kate is so tiny in her car seat!

Both twins passed their car seat tests with flying colors. It was a little tricky for Kate because the car seat holds a minimum of 5 lbs and she is just barely over 4, but they managed to make adjustments to her seat to make it work.

Walking Papers!

It's official...the twins are coming home on Thursday morning! HOT DAMN!

I brought their car seats up there this morning so that could do the car seat test this afternoon, and I spoke at length with the neo doc. He feels good about sending them home. So, Mark and I will be rooming-in with the twins at the hospital on Wednesday night, and then we are outta there the next morning.

I can finally exhale!

Now it's back to my nesting rituals... :)

Could it be true!? Freedom?!

I am trying so hard to contain my excitement because nothing is official yet, but...

I had two nurses (one being a nurse practitioner in charge of discharging babies) this afternoon that the neo doc was going to talk to me tomorrow about discharging the twins THIS WEEK!!!!

If this is true, there is so much I need to get done. I need to schedule the OB (who I think is on Spring Break with his kiddos) to do Carson's circumcision, I need to sign up for Mark and I to room-in, I need to get all of the last minute stuff done (installing car seats, sterilizing the bottles, laundry, etc.). What makes all of this even more crazy is that Mark will be out-of-town on business Monday (tomorrow) through Wednesday, and then again the following Monday. My mom is trying to clear her schedule at work so she can come up from Houston to help me while he is gone.

I am so excited and basically running around like a chicken without its head. Is it possible to be experiencing nesting a full month after delivery?!

Anyway, Kate has hit 4 lbs today!! I can't believe it. She gained a pound in a little over a week, and she is now in a bassinet like Carson. They moved her into the new bed this morning. They both continue to feed well and everything with both of them is excellent. I couldn't be happier!

I will be truly shocked if their neo doc sets them free this week. He tends to be a nervous Nelly, but it gives me some hope since I heard from the discharge nurse.

Clothes & Cribs

After yesterday's post you would think I'd have something profound to say....

Nope. :)

Twins reached more NICU milestones today. Carson was moved from his elevated platform looking NICU bed into a traditional hospital crib. That's one step closer out the door for him. He also took it upon himself to remove his own feeding tube (again), and the nurses decided to just keep it out since he is doing better with bottle feedings. Miss Kate has learned to regulate her own body temp, so she is wearing clothes and is swaddled. It was so strange to visit her today and see her in one of the pink PJs I brought up there for her. I am so used to see her naked in her plastic incubator. She is still in the incubator because her hospital crib (like Carson's) won't arrive until Monday. By the way, she is swimming in her preemie-sized PJs!

Here's the NICU checklist:

• Self-regulating body temp (YES)
• Gaining steady weight (YES)
• 100% bottle feedings (YES)
• No apnea for over a week (YES)
• Wearing clothes (YES)
• In normal cribs (YES)
• No IV (Yes...for a long time now)
• Over 4 lbs (Yes for Carson; Kate is 3 lbs, 13 oz...3 more oz to go!)

The only things left are the 1-hour car seat test and the overnight rooming-in practice run. We are also signed up for the preemie care class and baby CPR class at the hospital for good measure.

I am sincerely hoping the twins come home a week from today -- St. Patrick's Day. Given what my name is -- and I think some of you know -- it would be a huge dose of irony!

Slight change in direction

Since finding out I was pregnant, this blog has become almost exclusively about the pregnancy, birth, NICU hell, and photos of the twins. I am still going to post a lot about my adventures in twin mommyhood, but I need to go back a little to why I originally started blogging in the first place -- for my own sanity and entertainment. I've even deleted past posts and done other acts of self-censorship because I felt it was too "edgy" (i.e. bitchy). I need to stop doing that. That is so not me, and goes against who I have always been. Anyway, I want to really combine all the aspects of my life into this blog -- motherhood, marriage, thoughts, the past, encounters, political, humor, random opinions, and observed ridiculousness.

I think what brought on this realization is (1) I am so scared of forgetting/losing who I am and just mindlessly going 100% into mommy mode. Does that make sense to anyone out there other than me? Of course, I love being Kate & Carson's mom. It's the greatest thing -- BY FAR -- that's ever happened to me...and the journey's just begun. I want to document all of it because I'm sure (like everything else in life) it will go by in a flash. But I miss expressing the other side of me too. (2) Once upon a time, I was an op-ed writer so I need to vent out opinions with a good dash of salty humor and sarcasm. And finally (3) I just remembered today that I am turning 30 at the end of the month. It's a big birthday! I can't believe I completely over-looked it until this afternoon. I have no fear of getting older -- and 30 is not old anyway -- but it does steer you down memory lane just a bit.

Twin Update: We had a great evening visit with the twins again. Kate has hit another big milestone...her feeding tube is out! She has done 24+ hours of 100% bottle feeding and now her test begins. I am trying like hell not to get too excited and stressed over it like I did for Carson's first attempt at solo bottle feeding. (And, yes, his tube is still in, but he has taken all of his feedings today by bottle...so, it might be out tomorrow.) Kate is now 3 lbs., 10 oz., and Carson is 5 lbs., 6 oz. They both took it all by bottle tonight, but Kate is the champion eater. She may have a future in competitive eating one day. She finished hers in less than 10 minutes, and he took a full 30 minutes.

Carson feeding @ 23 days old

This photo just cracks me up! He looks so miserable as I try to burp him.

Ahhhh, much better!

He took the whole bottle and it wasn't too much of a fight. Can't you see Kate in his profile? I see it more everyday.

Kate @ 23 days old

Kate & I doing some kangaroo time last night. Kate and Carson are starting to look more alike every day...or at least they look more like siblings now.

A new preemie-sized dress for Kate...perhaps for Easter. She BETTER be home by Easter! :)

Much Better Night @ NICU

We had a great nurse tonight. And since all of the other babies in our area had gone home, we had her all to ourselves. It was a million times better than this afternoon. I seem to enjoy the evening visits with Mark more anyway.

The server is having problems letting me upload photos onto my blog, so the newest pics of the twins from tonight's visit are located at...

Kate & Carson on Flickr

P.S. Carson took his full bottle from us tonight.

New Kate Photos & an Update

Feeding time. She takes the bottle pretty well.

Checking out her world from the confines of her little plastic box.

Photo is a bit blurry, but you can tell how tiny she still is compared to my hand.

I realize I've been posting more photos of Carson lately and not as many of Kate. Since she is still in the incubator, it's difficult to get many photos of her. Whereas, Mr. Carson is easily accessed. Here are some new ones of little Kate.

UPDATE

• Carson is holding strong at 5 lbs. Kate is up to 3 lbs, 7 oz.


• Carson's feeding tube was put back in like I suspected. He just needs to build his stamnia up a bit more so he will be able to physically make it through a bottle feeding.


• NICU folks are telling us it will likely be another 2 weeks until one or both of them can come home. (That seems like an eternity!)

Carson's Hot Tub

In the three weeks the twins have been in the NICU, the nurses have never done bath time in front of us. For some reason they prefer to do it during the hours they are closed. I just happened to catch Carson getting a bath the other day though. So, technically this isn't his first bath, but it's the first bath I witnessed.

Pacing Nurses & Timed Bottle Feedings

If you thought I was crazy before, wait until you hear this...

I am having test anxiety...just a little bit. Carson had his tube feeding tube removed this morning because he had taken all of his full feedings by bottle for the past 24 consecutive hours. This is a MAJOR milestone for a NICU baby. Now he just needs to continue doing 100% bottle feedings for the next 48 hours (without failing any of them), and we could be taking him home very soon. Anyway, so the pressure is on. I gave him his noon feeding by bottle and he had trouble staying awake for it. He had 30 minutes to drink all of his 55 cc of milk. The nurse was practically standing over my shoulder reminding me of the time. I started to panic and felt like I was 17 again and sitting for the S.A.T.

The nurse was literally pacing behind me while I practically begged Carson to finish his bottle. I actually found myself softly saying, "Come on little Carson. Come on. Wake up. Just a little more." In all fairness to him, he had just finished his daily bath right before feeding time, so I thought it was incredibly unfair to expect him to eat after that. Whatever. He finished just in the nick of time.

The same thing happened today at the 8 PM feeding. Carson kept falling asleep, and I tried every trick in the book to get him interested in feeding. But he didn't finish. He drank 4/5ths of his bottle and was done. Technically he failed the stupid test, and I will be pissed if I see that damn tube in his nose tomorrow morning. (Good chance it will be back.)

I just thought the whole thing was ridiculous. I was stressing over this. It doesn't help the situation when I have a nurse pacing around and telling me, "Four more minutes." I should have asked if they pause the damn stop watch for burp times.

Enough of that...

Carson is at 5 lbs and little Miss Kate is 3 lbs, 6 oz. She is starting to pack on the weight quickly now. It's amazing how much she is changing now that she is filling out. For some reason the nurses have much better luck feeding them than I do. They hover over me, so I know I am doing it correctly but I can't seem to keep them awake. The nurses tell me this is common. Basically, the babies feel so relaxed and comfortable with me that they just fall asleep. I love that they do that...except when I want to get them out of the NICU and timed bottle feeding is one of the final hurdles. Grr.

I really sense that Carson will be coming home soon. Perhaps in a week. I can't wait!

I had a nice visit with my mom this past weekend, although it seemed like a short visit. She couldn't get over how much the twins had grown and changed since birth.

That's about it in my world. I hope everyone is doing wonderfully. Send me a line.

Mr. Carson

Here are some photos of Carson after the session with his sister. The nurses took Kate back to her bed quickly because she was so fussy, so I could only get some solo shots of Mr. Carson.

The Twins Finally Meet...

...and it was a nightmare!

Carson immediately LOVED it, and Kate immediately HATED it. She was kicking, hitting, and pulling on Carson's feeding tube. Carson, in return, sucked on her fingers and shoulders, and just stared at her. All in all, it was funny! You can really tell their size difference in some of the photos I have. (She gained 3 oz overnight!...now 3 lbs, 3 oz) I still don't have a photo of the two of them together worthy enough to go in a birth annoucement, and since Kate was being such a diva today I'm not sure the nurses will be up for another try at a photo session. Oh, and in case you can't tell...Kate's on the left, Carson's on the right. (Notice their crossed legs in the first photo? haha)

Rationalizing my irrational rants...

I strongly felt the need to post this...

I am not a psychopath! :) I am generally not a moody, emotional, angry person...even though my posts for the past month or so would indicate otherwise. I suppose I just vent out all my anger on my blog so I can put a smile on my face and go about another grueling day at the NICU.

In all honesty, I have a lot to be thankful for. Some of the babies in the NICU are really bad off. I don't know how those parents handle it. My babies are not sick or struggling. They were born too early, they are stable, and they are only there to grow a little bit more. We could be in a much more horrible situation.

Kate finally hit the 3 lbs mark today. Yippee! That's a big milestone for her. Carson is 2 oz short of hitting the 5 lbs mark, and he will probably make that this weekend. Neither were at all interested in bottle feeding again today. Grr! They take a few sucks and then they look at me in such a way that I would swear it had become a battle of wills. If it wasn't so irritating, it would be funny.

I had to call my OB again this afternoon and personally begged him to prescribe a drug they told me about in the NICU. It is to stimulate and promote milk production, and this is my final attempt at it. He called in the meds but did not give me a very big supply. I take it he doesn't have much faith in it, but I am desperate. (I hope he got a good laugh at my 'Oh please make them work. They have to be more than just decorative, right? I want to be a Jersey milking cow!' pleas.)

I don't know what the deal is with my boobs! It has become so frustrating because I am doing everything the I was told to do...drinking a ton of water, getting good sleep, and most importantly, I am pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock for 15 minutes each session. Frankly, it's a pain in the ass, but it would all be worth it if I was producing more than a tablespoon or so at every session.

I hate NICU life!

I am so ready to hijack the twins out of the hospital! I am getting a little frustrated that Mr. Carson isn't taking to the bottle like I want him to. That is what is keeping him in there. I know bottle feeding is a learned task and that he just needs to mature a little more. The nurses tell me that one day a light switch will go off in his head and he will feed like a champ...but that it could also be weeks away before that happens. The neo doc told me yesterday that he thinks Carson could stay in the hospital for another 2-3 weeks, and Kate will be in there much longer than that just because of the weight she still needs to gain. A week ago, he told me 2-3 weeks before one of them comes home, and now he is extending that time frame. I was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to hit him...him being the neo doc, not Carson.

Perhaps 2-3 weeks doesn't sound that long to someone who hasn't had babies in the ICU, but trust me...it's an eternity! This NICU experience has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with. It is such an incredibly unnatural way to start motherhood.

And I am so sick of people telling me that this is a good thing because it allows me to recover from my c-section and get plenty of rest before they come home. Gimme a break! It's damn near impossible to "rest" when you have babies in the ICU. Also, I was recovered from my surgery before I was even discharged from the hospital. I don't need a month or two to bounce back from that. I am also sick of people calling the NICU my "expensive babysitters." That implies that I want them there.

I hate, hate, hate this! I feel like I am missing out on things. I go up to visit them and the first things the nurses tell me is Kate did this, Carson did that, etc.

I'm just frustrated and desperately missing my babies. I am ready for this chapter to be over with. Now.

Oh, and it hasn't escaped my notice that today is March 1st. Today was my big goal day. Today was the day I focused on throughout my entire pregnancy as the day I desperately needed to hold them in to. I still don't think I'm over the fact that they were born so early. I think as long as I am visiting them in the hospital I will always have it stuck in my head that they are there because they came so early.