I think my husband is on the brink of doing some kind of intervention on me. The last two days have been tough on me, but what's new at this point. I am starting to sound like a broken record. I truly think this level of exhaustion that I have been experiencing for 7 weeks now is making me lose my mind. There was a lot of discussion between Mark and I about the possibility of starting the twins in day care soon. On a very limited part-time basis (like 2 mornings a week). This, of course, led to massive guilt on my part and that led to half a day of crying. It seems that as soon as I start to think I really need to call my OB and have him put me on anti-depressants, I finally get 3+ hours of consecutive sleep and I wake up feeling like a new person. Mark has been great the past few days. I think he finally pulled his head out of his ass and realized how lucky he was to have a week off from the babies. And I think he is worried his wife is going insane, and if that happened he would really be screwed. Whatever his motivation, he has been a lot better.
I read a great line yesterday that sums up how I am feeling about motherhood right now..."I'm straddling the line between Donna Reed and Joan Crawford."
I had a long phone chat with my pedi's nurse....mostly about how Kate is driving us crazy and we are worried that something is wrong with her. We also discussed the possibility of part-time day care. We don't think she has acid reflux or colic. She is just fussy. Period. She also told us that if Kate wants me to hold her, then I need to hold her. Babies are establishing trust right now and that is based on their needs being met. I can't spoil Kate at this age by holding her all the time, but I can do damage by not filling her needs (i.e., being held). This is something Mark needed to hear because he is still stuck on this "don't spoil the babies" crap, but it doesn't address the fact that I can't and don't want to hold Kate 24/7. (Oh, and I tried using a sling with Kate today...she hated it. She wants to be vertical on my chest.)
I am going to hold off on day care as long as I can and try to get my Nanny here more often...even though she is expensive. But I also refuse to feel guilty about it either. The same family members who aren't offering to help me out are the same ones making feel guilty about part-time day care. I don't know why this has been bothering me so much lately. I've never been the type to give a damn what people have thought about me or any of my decisions, so I don't know why I would care now...but I have been. I've also decided to not be stupid and try to do this move into the new house on my own. We are hiring movers to pack us and move us. It's worth the price to me. The idea that I don't have to pack up our entire house on my own has taken a HUGE stress weight off my shoulders.
In other news...we may move our closing date on the new house up a week to May 11th. The sellers are wanting that, and it doesn't matter to us either way. We should find out tomorrow.
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4 comments:
I am so glad you are hiring someone to pack for you. I hope that makes life a tiny bit easier than it might have been. Can you get them to unpack, too? :)
I'm sorry the sling didn't work. In the continued saga of unsolicited advice, is Kate big enough for a front carrier, like a bjorn or a snugli, yet? I think we started using that around 8 pounds, but I can't remember for sure. I just mention it because the position sounds very similar to what you say Kate prefers.
I can only imagine how hard it is being home all the time, mostly alone, with 2 babies, one very needy. You are doing an awesome job! And it's hard to imagine now, but it won't always be this incredibly hard. Around 4 months my twins hit a point where as long as they weren't sad, they were actually happier laying done rather than being held. Hard to imagine, huh?
I can tell you why you suddenly care: You're a mom now. Children=GUILT!
It's just the way of it. I don't know one mother alive that doesn't have guilt about her children in some form or the other.
You're right, babies can't be spoiled at this age,but that doesn't mean that you can fill all her needs by yourself!!!!
AMEN FOR PACKING AND MOVING COMPANIES.
I am also glad that your hubs is beginning to clue in.
P.S
I meant "Suddenly care about what people think of decisions regarding your kids".
I'm going to join Eva for a bit of totally unsolicited advice (call it assvice if you will) - try the carrier again, or a different one, or a different position. My MissM was (er, is) a high needs baby too, and baby carriers are a saving grace for me. When they were small I alternated between a pouch-style sling that held them in more of a cradle position (which sounds like what DOESN'T work right now) but I also used a wrap, which takes a bit more time to put on but can hold even a tiny baby on your chest upright. I got SO much use out of that thing. Mine was a Moby Wrap. We did use a Bjorn later on, too, but I loved the Moby for snuggling a baby to my chest. I can probably dig up a picture if you need it (or more info or resources - I have tried LOTS of baby carriers. It's a bit of an obsession, really.)
SHutting up now.
Oh yeah, except to say that whatever makes you sane and able to enjoy your time with the babies seems like a reasonable thing - nanny time, day care, whatever. Have you considered an occasional night nurse or postpartum doula. Not cheap, but it might be well worth it for, say, one good night of sleep every week for a month. Especially while moving!
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