I spoke too soon about the oxygen mask. We were so excited about going up to the NICU last night because we thought we would get to finally see Carson without all the masks and whatnot. When we got up there, they were still on him.
There was also a respiratory therapist from another local hospital filling in for the regular therapist that night. This woman was a bitch. There is no other nice, sugar-coated way to say it. I asked her about the mask situation and if it was coming off tonight, and she all but called me a liar when I mentioned the neo doc had said that morning it was coming off. She had a cold, piss-poor attitude and was extremely rude. Here's the thing...if Carson still needs help, then by all means keep the mask on and give him the help he still needs. BUT tread lightly when you start getting an attitude and calling a highly emotional NICU mother a liar.
Once she left the room, I did kangaroo time with Carson and Hubby held Kate. Then the emotions flooded to the surface. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Part of it was the disappointment of the mask situation, part of it was my exhaustion (6 hours a day in a NICU is draining), part of it was the realization that this was our life now. I was just a mess. I feel like I've been so strong this week -- both physically and emotionally -- and constantly telling people the twins are doing great (which they are) that it all just caught up with me. The babies are doing great in the NICU. We have been incredibly lucky that our 32 week twins are having no major trouble at all. They had all the cards stacked against them, and they have proven all the docs and stats wrong so far. But, frankly, this sucks! I hate that it takes a team of nurses to hand Carson to me due to all of his wires. If you combined all of the wires I have in my home office -- 2 desktop computers, 2 laptops, fax/copier/printer machine, and phone -- it still wouldn't equal how many wires are connected to my son. After holding him for an hour, the plastic mask thing leaves an indention in my skin where his face had been resting. They are pinning his arms down now because he has pulled out his own feeding tube in his mouth twice now. He tugs and pushes on his mask...he obviously hates it too. Kate is making headway, but she is still so tiny. Sometimes she reminds me of a hairless baby bird in a nest...granted, she is a beautiful baby bird. It's just not the fantasy. It's not what I dreamed about for 8 months. I thought I would make my 36 week goal and would be able to leave the hospital with the twins. I thought a week after delivery I would be complaining about my lack of sleep due to all of the 3 AM feedings. I know we made the right decision to take them out at 32 weeks -- especially after the neo doc told us Kate wouldn't have survived another week in the womb -- but I still can't completely shake the lingering feeling of disappointment. Not in the twins (they are perfect), but in myself for not holding them in longer. Should I have put myself on bed rest sooner? Should I have not done so much shopping in the last few weeks? I could go on. Hubby hates it when I do this because he knows how much I gave up with ensure a successful pregnancy...including my own business.
Before I was released from the hospital last week, the nurses had told me watch out for a lot of emotions and possible depression. Carrying twins means I had an incredible amount of hormones running through me for 8 months and the stress of having babies in the NICU puts me at risk for depression. I don't think so. At least not right now. I think I just had a bad night, and I feel better this morning.
I feel slightly embarrassed I lost it at the NICU last night. It's the second time they've seen me cry, and I don't want them to label me as the basket case mom. If they do that then I'm worried they will be more cautious about what they tell me, and I want to know every little thing (good and bad).
Okay, I better start getting ready for my morning visit to the NICU. Hubby has returned to work today, so this is my first day back with my own car and a slightly normal schedule. Sorry for all the bitching and venting today, but that's why I have a blog. I just needed to get all that off my chest. NICU life is tough and I can't wait to get my babies home.
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