Today was the first day I was completely on my own with the twins. Mom was gone, Mark was at work, and I was flying solo. My new schedule is to sleep from 7 PM (after Mark gets home and we eat dinner) to midnight. Mark is on "duty" then. Then I get up at midnight and stay up until 7 PM again. Naps are not possible during the day. Carson is doing pretty good at sleeping 3 and almost 4 hours between most feedings (but not all), but Kate is still eating every hour and half to two hours. Essentially, Mark and I are just two ships passing in the night. I don't know how we are going to do this with no help. [I still haven't heard anything from my nanny ads.]
The nightmare moment of the day came at around 2 PM. Both of the twins were screaming and hungry, both had major poop in their diapers, Kate had partially removed her diaper so there was poop on the blanket and clothes, the phone was ringing non-stop, and I was about to pee in my own pants. N-I-G-H-T-M-A-R-E scenario! It was the only time throughout my first solo day that I thought I was going to lose my cool. This is also a fine example of why I don't want them on the same feeding schedule. I like having them 30-45 minutes apart.
Everyone keeps telling me things will start to get better. When? When does it start to get better? I don't even see my husband anymore. I am in a chronic state of exhaustion, and I don't like that I have to sleep from 7PM to midnight because that just isolates me further from my friends and family (no phone calls while I am sleeping). I never leave the house anymore. I need a light at the end of the tunnel...when will it start improving? When they are 3 months? 6 months?
To be honest, it's Kate that is wearing me down. She has to eat so frequently, she is hard to put back to bed, and it seems like there isn't a waking moment in which she is not screaming her head off (not crying, but screaming). I don't get cuddle time with her at all. She doesn't seem to want it. If she isn't sleeping then she is extremely hungry. When I was pregnant, she was the one I felt the most "bonded" to. She kicked me constantly and I could almost predict her moods in utero. Now that she is out, she doesn't want anything to do with me unless I have a bottle in my hand. Carson is just the opposite of all that. My family calls him "lover boy" because he loves to cuddle, hold hands, look at people and smile. Is it normal to feel distant from Kate? I keep telling my mom that I wish she would just so me a tiny amount of affection or seem to enjoy the affection I give her. It's the strangest thing, and sometimes (especially when I am up with her for the millionth time) it hurts my feelings. How crazy am I?
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...ramblings of a barely 30-something, married, liberal, formerly interesting, mom-of-twins chick...
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5 comments:
It really will get better, and I know how hard it is to see that now. It's generally around 3 months, though for preemies it can take longer, like until 3 months past their due date. It sounds like Kate is a difficult baby and when you have two it's really hard to have a difficult one. I imagine it's especially hard if she isn't a cuddly one, so you can't do that to solve things for her.
I found around 3 1/2 - 4 months my babes started being able to entertain themselves. This was a huge change. Of course, around 2 months when they started social smiling -- though rarely at first -- things started to improve. But the big change was not having to attend to them for every single second.
I totally admire you having a full day at home so early. I never had to do that early on and I can only imagine how hard it was, especially with Kate's frequent feedings.
Did you try craigslist.org? I know they list childcare there as well.
I know it's trite, but hang in there! Soon enough these days will seem like a hazy distant memory.
For me it started to get easier at about 3 months. Once the 6 month fussies were past it got easier yet again, and now it is actually pretty great most of the time.
If it's any consolation, you actually won't remember this time very well. It will all be a blur.
It it, for what I read (and live) totally normal to feel closer to one twin for a while. The advice I found was to just make sure you still nurture and pay attention to the other twin. Women often report their feelings swap and they feel closer to one, than the other, than the first again, and so on. You are having to build a relationship with two small, demanding, helpless people at once. It is natural that one of those relationships should happen more easily.
It sounds like it was a tough first day. Honestly, it really does get better. I know you are probably so sick of hearing that, but it really will. All you can really do is endure the first three months.
Though, of course, you need help. Can Mark use some time at work when he isn't on childcare duties to try and track some down?
Oh my goodness. It IS hard. And I only have one, I cannot imagine the stress of two!! My little one starting getting easier at about 10 weeks. Now he's almost 4 months.
I found you via Dawn and I had to come check out the cute baby pics.
Hang in there, girl. Just keep plugging away. I have no doubt that you are doing the best job EVER!!!!
It is easier at three months but they really start hitting their stride at 6 months. Plus, around three months they can really interact which makes it easier as far as Kate goes.
It is normal to bond more to one than the other, especially when Kate isn't giving you the affection you are craving at the moment.
It gets better bit by bit. I echo the others that 3 months and 6 months seem to be turning points, but little pieces will get easier before then. And the bonding will come too, with time. Really.
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