Stream of Consciousness

Update your bookmarks...I'm moving

2007-05-30T14:36:00.000-05:00

Almost 2 years ago I bought my own domain name, but was too busy/lazy to figure out how to do my own professional website. Well, I've finally figured out how to do a blog on it, so I am switching to a new location.

This "new" (not really new, just different address) is going to be viewed by a lot of folks in my real life (family, friends, clients, co-workers, etc), so I am currently doing A LOT of self-censoring right now...i.e., no more bitching about Mark. I think he is glad I am going to have a blog everyone we know can read. He said I acted secretive about this blog. I'm a bit sad to no longer have a forum to bitch openly about things I am feeling and experiencing, but oh well.

So here is the new address...follow me :)

Oh, and it goes without saying that this is a work-in-progress. I am still trying to figure stuff out and the damn thing won't let me import. Grr.

Attention Lurkers: This would be a great time to introduce yourself.

Baby Personality Quiz

2007-05-29T10:33:00.000-05:00

I found this on The Twinkies blog. Interesting. I thought Carson's profile was right on the money, and Kate's was completely wrong. Of course, it's pretty silly to be assigning predictions on 3 1/2 month old babies!

Carson
He will be very intelligent. Although he is very bright, his shy nature [I can see the shyness already] may keep him from reaching his full potential. He is conservative and reserved [True, True]. You can anticipate a very organized person. In fact, his need for organization is borderline compulsive. He will be the type of person that can’t put things off until tomorrow because it will drive him crazy. In school, if he is given a group project he will slowly take over the project. He doesn’t like things to be done incorrectly and if he can’t have it done his way he will get frustrated. He doesn’t like to be criticized and he has a bit of a superiority complex. If he is angry with you, you will never know. He keeps things to himself but may be secretly vindictive. He will most likely go to college [This is not open for debate in our family.]. He will pursue a job that makes him feel important. He is a hard worker but he may be slow at getting his job done because of his need to check and recheck his work. He may choose a career in electronics, engineering, accounting, aviation, or pharmacology.

Kate
She will be very dependable and responsible; the type that likes to make her parents happy [This was surprising. I would have guessed "hell raiser."]. You can expect her to be able to handle stress and pressure well. She will not be the one you have to worry about. She is sensitive, friendly and caring. She doesn’t like to stand out or draw attention. She is not likely to take a leadership position [She is geneticly linked to me, therefore this won't be true]. She prefers to be the one that works in the background. In her attempt to be likable, she may cave in to peer pressure in her teens. However, she is not rebellious and cares about making her parents happy as much as she does her friends. As an adult, she will likely go to college and pursue a stable job. She is not the type that will flip flop around in her career choices. She will pick something she thinks she will do well at and stick with it. Possible careers are laboratory technician, computer programmer, physical therapist, paralegal, or dental hygienist.

Sickos

2007-05-29T08:34:00.000-05:00

The entire household has a damn cold. Thanks day care! Let me tell ya, it's NOT fun dealing with two sick twins and a sick husband when you feel like you've been hit by a bus. The house is still largely unpacked and a total mess, and frankly I don't care anymore. I just wish the twins would sleep like adults sleep when they are sick. Ugh, misery!

Home Sweet Home

2007-05-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

We are finally all moved into the new house. As I look around at the massive sea of boxes, I can't say we are settled in though. The move itself went pretty smoothly. My mom took the twins over to my aunt's house on the other side of town on move day. I thought the movers did a pretty good job until they left and I realized that they just dumped boxes anywhere. I had carefully marked all the boxes as to what room they would go to, and I told the mover that. We found "Kitchen - Pantry" box in my office, "Nursery - Baby Linens" in the kitchen, etc. Grr. Oh well. I'm glad it's over.

The kids will be at day care most of this week, so I can focus on getting us out of the sea of boxes. They are having a rough adjustment right now, and I feel bad for them. First of all, they are at day care now and that's a new experience for them. Now they are in a new house, yet another new experience. And finally, they are in their cribs and out of the Pack-n-Play. When they get home from day care, they both just cling to me. It makes me feel like the worst mama in the world. Of course, the other side of that coin is that because they are so clingy on me right now I can't get any unpacking done and so they have to go to day care. Poor babies. :(

Carson is eating like a pig now too. He went from 4 oz up to 6 oz overnight. He is 3 1/2 months old and actually wearing 3 month old clothes. I can't believe how big he is getting. No one would ever guess he is a preemie. He has a follow-up appointment tomorrow morning with the cardiologist. (Remember, he had a heart valve issue at birth that was corrected with drugs.) I hope all goes well with that. Oh, and everyday his eyes are turning a lighter shade of blue. They may end up lighter than mine (which is odd since Mark has brown eyes).

Miss Kate is loving day care. More so that Carson I think. It seems pretty obvious to me that she is a social butterfly. They tell me that her favorite thing to do at day care is sit in her bouncy seat and watch the older kids (toddlers) run around, scream, play, etc. She gets excited by it, and I am sure she is chomping at the bit to join the fun. She has mastered the tongue game...I stick out my tongue and then she does. She has taken it to the next level though. She can imitate the speed of which I stick out my tongue. If I do it fast, she will too. If I do it slow, she does it slow. If I wiggle my tongue, she will try to. Such a smart girl! I am a little concerned at her size. It seems like Carson is just passing her by now.

Well, I better get to work. I will post photos of the new pad once I get settled in, and once I unpack my own computer (I'm on Mark's right now).

The Twins Make Their Television Debut!

2007-05-17T09:25:00.000-05:00

While closing on the new house, we were killing some time by walking around the Georgetown downtown square. A reporter was there do a piece on how the downtown has changed. He filmed the twins and it was aired last night. KXAN (NBC) for all the Austin folks who read this.

If you want to see the twins, email me and I will email you the link. (There isn't a directly link that I can post...or I am just too stupid to know how.) Be sure to include your email addy.

shannonp_1977 (at) yahoo (dot) com

Moving, Ugh

2007-05-16T07:53:00.000-05:00

We are closing on our house today (finally!), and then the work begins. The big move is on Friday, but we are spending the next two days painting and having some work done, etc. Man I hate moving! Anyway, I will be away from the blogosphere for a little bit, but here's a ultra quick update...

The kiddos did okay at their first day of day care on Monday. They were there from 10 AM to 2:30 PM. Honestly, I hated it the entire time. I had Mark's assistant check on them frequently and email me updates. ("Carson was crying, but now he is fine....They are both sleeping...Kate ate 3 ounces, etc.") I am sure she finds this very annoying. I don't know what I think of all of this. The point of day care was so I could relax and get some stuff done. Instead, I worried and thought about them the whole time. They will be going back on Thursday so we can work on the new house.
Mom's coming back to town on Thursday evening to watch the twins during the big move. I wish she would just retire already. :)
The twins bought me (via my mother) a beautiful silver "mom" bracelet. Mark brought me white tulips (sentimental reasons behind that) and wrote me a sweet letter. The best Mother's Day gift, however, was my mom watching the twins while Mark and I went out to dinner Saturday night. Of course, we talked about the twins the entire time. I hope that changes one day. I miss non-twin conversation. Afterwards, we cuddled in bed and watched SNL together. Laying in bed and watching TV without having one ear on the baby monitor is my new definition of heaven.
The twins are loving their Baby Einstein playmat thingie. They are all about reaching, grabbing and knocking things over right now. I swear Kate is on her way to rolling over! She gets so incredibly mad if something is slightly out of her reach that she does anything to get to it. I wonder where she gets that from?! Hmm... :)

Did I mention that I hate moving?...

Mom-to-Mom: Smiles

2007-05-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

I am starting to get a little concerned that Kate and Carson are not social smiling much -- well, really, any. Sure they smile in their sleep a lot, but they don't directly smile at me or anyone else. They are now 3 months old (and yes, preemie), and I wish I knew when to expect it. I am really looking forward to the smiles. I need those smiles!

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T19:54:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day...to all of the moms out there...but especially to the new moms and the moms-of twins!

The house deal holds up

2007-05-11T17:43:00.000-05:00

Whew! All is well with the house deal. The underwriter signed off on the new appraisal, so we are good to go. My mom and uncle are coming in from Houston to help us pack up tomorrow morning.

We are closing on Wednesday morning. We are much too exhausted to celebrate.

Carson @ 3 months

2007-05-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

Birth
3 months

The twins will be 3 months old this weekend. Carson had a rocky start in life, but he is a completely different baby now!

Weight: About 10 1/2 lbs. He is wearing size 1 in diapers and 0-3 months in clothes.

Feedings: 4 oz every 3-4 hours. He is acting like he ready to move up to 4.5 or 5 oz soon.

Favorites: Bath time, his pacifier, bouncy seat, laying on my chest, having his chest rubbed

Least Favorites: Diaper changes, the swing

Issues: Tends to be gassy

Personality: Sweet, secure, passive. When he cries, you know there must be something really wrong.

Areas to Work On: I honestly can't think of anything other than sleeping through the night.

New Things: Loves looking out of the window. He has also discovered blocks...which he loves to grab at and knock down.

Comparison: He is more vocal than Kate. He is making new sounds all the time. He also likes to play with objects and she isn't into that yet. Overall, he seems more independent and laid back compared to his twin sister.

Randomness: He has the fastest growing fingernails in history! I have to cut them every other day or so. When he starts to cry, it sounds like a little motorboat starting up. It's beyond cute!

Kate @ 3 months

2007-05-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

Birth
3 months

The twins will be 3 months old on Saturday. Miss Kate has come a long way in those three months!

Weight: About 8 lbs. She still wearing Newborn size diapers, and the clothes are still too big for her.

Feedings: Usually about 3 oz every 3 hours. We are still working in stretching the feedings out to 3 hours though.

Favorites: Bath time, laying on my chest, her new swing, being held, cuddling with brother on the sofa

Least Favorites: Pacifier, excessively long car trips, having to wait more than one minute for her bottle, being put down when she's not ready

Issues: Tends to have a touch of reflux which requires a bit of Mylanta or else she may throw up

Personality: In the past few weeks I am seeing more changes in her. She is getting better at self-soothing, so there are less screaming fits. She is extremely sweet and happy when she's getting exactly what she wants, when she wants it. She is not the diva she once was though!

Areas to Work On: Stretching out her feedings and increasing her ounces. So far, she has shown no increase in either.

New Things: She is just now liking her Boppy pillow. She is also discovering the great outdoors like her brother. She sounds different...different sounds, coos, even a slightly different sounding cry.

Comparison: She is more visual than Carson. She can be distracted by music or other sounds. She is also starting to imitate me...like when I stick my tongue out at her, she will stick her tongue out too. Overall, she is more clingy and emotional (if that's possible in a baby) than her brother.

Randomness: I've never cut her fingernails before. She is doing much less chirping in her sleep now. She is no longer a noisy baby, and it happened overnight! She's never worn a bow before. In fact, I don't even own any bows or headbands for her.

My "Unwanted" Twins

2007-05-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

Both of Nanny Mary's daughters resigned from the law firm's day care upon hearing that my twins would be joining the day care. Talk about not feeling welcome! The law partners are thrilled that it saved them the dirty task of firing them. Their last day is May 23rd. I feel uncomfortable now taking my twins to day care on Monday knowing they are so damn unwanted as to force two uneducated-no-other-options girls into quitting a ridiculously high paying with benefits baby-sitting gig. Mark says I am being stupid, but it's bothering me.

Stupid, silly girls. The twins are only going up there Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for about 3 hours per day....and I guarantee they would probably sleep the entire time. Grr.

Screw'em.

There are only 5 children (counting my twins) in the day care. My twins (3 months old), a 5-month old singleton baby, and 2 2-year olds. The babies and the toddlers are kept completely separate. I don't know much of anything about day care, but that seems like a good ratio to me. The firm had plans to hire a third person in June, so it would be 3 adults to 5 children. Oh and the receptionist is pregnant and due in August, so that would be an additional baby. That would make it a 2-to-1 ratio.

Blah, Blah, Blah. Not sure what to do about Monday though. Any thoughts?

The New Normal

2007-05-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

I think the REALLY rough adjustment period may be coming to an end. I am getting used to this new life with the twins. I have figured out how to sneak in naps, and they are pretty solid with the 3-hour feedings (no more every hour or two feedings). Kate is getting better and better at self-soothing, and her screaming fits are less frequent. Of course, I still have some pretty awful days. I am still horribly sleep deprived. I still miss my freedom....but I am also getting used to this new normal.
The twins will be starting day care at Mark's firm on Monday. They will only be there half a day, and all of this is just a try out period. I am looking forward to it, but I know I will miss them terribly. There may be some days when I only drop off one of the twins and have some one-on-one time with the other. I feel like I need to cuddle with Carson more. He is always giving up his mommy time due to his demanding sister.
I know I vowed not to talk smack about Nanny Mary, but it just not working out with her. She is trying to drag Mark and I into a staffing drama at Mark's day care (remember her daughters run it). It has turned into a big mess, and she has been trying to bully me and guilt me into not taking them to day care. She has managed to piss off the law partners, and everything is tense. When I told her that I need to return to work and cited the fact that we spend $600 a month on formula, she said, "Well, if you used your breasts the way God intended you wouldn't have that problem, now would you?" And with that I said bye-bye to Nanny Mary and hello to part-time day care.
We are having some other major drama in our house buying situation...appraisal issues to be exact. We are scheduled to close a week from today, and now I am not even sure if this deal will hold together. *Sigh* We are waiting to hear. I hate all of this 11th hour crap.
I did my blood work today. I will hopefully hear something soon as to what may be revealed with that. Since my doc doubled my diabetes meds, I feel 100% better. Whew! I just hope there isn't something more serious at work here.

Pedi Appointment: 3 Months Old

2007-05-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

KATE
Birth (2/12)...2 lbs, 11 oz.; 16.25 inches
NICU Discharge (3/15)...4 lbs, 4 oz.
3/20...4 lbs, 8 oz.
3/30...4 lbs, 14 oz.
4/13...6 lbs, 3 oz.; 18.5 inches
5/7...7 lbs, 11 oz.; 21 inches

CARSON
Birth (2/12)...4 lbs, 4 oz.; 17.5 inches
NICU Discharge (3/15)...5 lbs, 13 oz.
3/20...6 lbs, 2 oz.
3/30...6 lbs, 13 oz.
4/13...8 lbs, 0 oz.; 21 inches
5/7...10 lbs, 0 oz. (I forgot his height!!) :(

Carson is now off of the preemie growth chart and on the regular (full-term) chart. He has pretty much caught up with his full-term singleton counterparts...almost.

They had their big toes pricked to test their blood's iron levels. Kate, of course, has a massive meltdown, and Carson hardly even noticed what had happened.

Health Update...Still Recovering

2007-05-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

The one thing I don't talk much about on my blog is my health. This posting is an exception. I am posting this because I know there are other pregnant-with-twins women who read this, and who knows about the lurking population. Maybe this will help someone else out there in the blogosphere. I sure am happy to find out why I've been sweating like a whore in church...

I think everyone knows I am a diabetic. I was a "mild" diabetic before becoming pregnant, and then it got very bad during my pregnancy. I was taking an ass-load of insulin injections (no pun intended) and all that other fun stuff. I also think everyone knows that I had pre-eclampsia -- which resulted in my twins being born at 32 weeks -- and I was put on hospital bed rest and given the two powerful steroid shots to quickly develop my twins' lung before birth.

Immediately after birth, my glucose numbers were great again. The last time I took an insulin shot was the night before I gave birth. Since then I have been on 1000 mg of Metformin per day. My numbers remained good...until 2 weeks ago. Now my numbers are sky high (i.e., morning fasting reading was 192!). My feet were becoming more and more numb. My blood pressure wasn't coming down like it should have after birth. Oh, and since the steroid shots in the hospital I have been having severe hot flashes....especially at night.

So, in a nut shell, my body is falling apart. On top of the sleep deprivation and all the other adjustments to life with twins, I felt like shit. I knew in my gut something was very wrong, but I was just too stressed, tired and busy to do much about it.

I finally went into the doctor (endocrinologist) on Friday. My blood pressure was finally good (118/78), but I had mysteriously gained 14 lbs in a month! (I had originally lost all of my pregnancy weight in the 12 days post-birth.) I am doing lab work on Tuesday because there are signs of possible kidney and/or liver damage (weight gain, not urinating often, etc.). He explained that it could take 6-9 months post-birth for my body to recover from the pre-eclampsia and steroid shots. The steroid shots could have a longer impact on me than I could have imagined. He said the dosage I was given since I was carrying twins was massive. Insulin is a natural hormone in the body, so my diabetes is also being affected by the steroid shots...as are the damn hot flashes. AND, I still have not gotten my first post-birth period...even though I gave birth almost 3 months ago, and stopped breastfeeding 2 1/2 months ago (translation: hormone issues).

I am mentioning all of this because a lot of mommy bloggers don't talk a lot about the post-birth physical recovering. I thought the hot flashes, weight gain, etc. were just further evidence that I was going crazy during the adjustment period.

So if any of the new moms out there had the steroid shots, don't be surprised if you find yourself sweating all the time, having high blood sugar numbers or having period issues. Those shots probably saved my twins' lives so I have NO REGRETS on getting it -- obviously -- but I just wish I would have been told to expect some of the crap I have been feeling lately.

Anyway, just a heads up.

Indoctrination begins early...

2007-05-03T15:31:00.000-05:00

The University of Texas' future Class of 2029!

It's Pitty Party Time...Woo Hoo

2007-05-03T04:22:00.000-05:00

Before babies (taken late April 2006). Umm, this photo is more "suggestive" than intended. Mark took it because I wanted to show one of my girlfriends that I finally found a place that waxed my brows to my liking. Anyway, notice how I have a jawline? Make-up on? Clean straight hair? Some evidence of playfulness and life?

Current (taken in Houston last week with Kate). Glasses, much fatter face, wild looking brows, out-of-control hair...looking and feeling like I had just been hit my a truck. Well, at least I had on some lip gloss.

I have been feeling a lot better this week thanks in part to Nanny Mary and being able to sleep between nighttime feedings (the twins are holding strong at 3 hours between chow times). But I still feel pretty yuck. I don't think I have ever felt or looked so horrible in my entire life. I've noticed that I am now wearing the official "mom attire" all the time now....yoga pants (they are comfy and fit), over-sized t-shirt (to hide my post-pregnant-with-twins-flabby-gut) with formula stains on the left shoulder thanks to spit up, no make-up (and I look really shitty with no make-up), air-dried hair pulled back in a bun (i.e., frizzy, style-less, but grateful I at least got to shower), flip-flops (but no pedicure), and glasses (instead of my contacts).

Before I had the babies, I remember seeing women wearing the mom attire in the grocery store and thinking to myself, 'Wow, she needs a day off.' Of course, at that time I was probably standing in the express lane with a 12-pack of Diet Coke in one arm, talking to a client on my cell phone, and trying to get to a sales meeting ASAP...all polished, clean, well-rested, and put together....and stupidly thinking I needed the day off!

My how things can change in a year. Despite all of my bitching, it's been a good change though. I can't imagine my life without the twins now. On those rare days I actually get to leave the house to run errands, I miss the babies the whole time. They are growing fast now. They are starting to sleep longer and be more expressive. I am trying to find a way to incorporate a few small elements of my former life before babies into my new life with the babies. Not sure how or what just yet...but getting my fat ass to the gym a few times a week and getting a hair-cut are pretty high on my list right now.

I Heart My Nanny

2007-05-01T19:18:00.000-05:00

I vow right here and now to never talk smack about my nanny again. The woman is a miracle worker and -- more importantly -- I NEED her! God Bless Nanny Mary!

I don't need anti-depressants. I need sleep!

Nanny Mary came over at 9 AM and stayed until 3 PM. I slept from 9 AM until 1 PM, and then took an hour drive just to get some fresh hair. I feel like a new person. I feel like my old self again.

I don't know what she does to them, but every time she comes they are good the rest of the day for me. We talked a lot about putting them on a schedule and stretching out the time between feedings. I am also going to have her come an extra day during the week, and extending some of her normal time here.

Bottom line: I don't care what she costs anymore because my health, my sanity, and my marriage are worth a lot more than $15 per hour.

I just thought I would post something positive for a change. I know some of you were worried I was about to drop the twins off at the nearest fire station or something. :)

Oh -- brace yourself -- Kate slept from 7:45 PM to 2 AM last night!! She got up at 2 AM, I fed her, she went right back to bed. I couldn't believe it! I hope it wasn't a fluke.

Illogical Ramblings...and too tired to care

2007-05-01T01:56:00.000-05:00

I think my husband is on the brink of doing some kind of intervention on me. The last two days have been tough on me, but what's new at this point. I am starting to sound like a broken record. I truly think this level of exhaustion that I have been experiencing for 7 weeks now is making me lose my mind. There was a lot of discussion between Mark and I about the possibility of starting the twins in day care soon. On a very limited part-time basis (like 2 mornings a week). This, of course, led to massive guilt on my part and that led to half a day of crying. It seems that as soon as I start to think I really need to call my OB and have him put me on anti-depressants, I finally get 3+ hours of consecutive sleep and I wake up feeling like a new person. Mark has been great the past few days. I think he finally pulled his head out of his ass and realized how lucky he was to have a week off from the babies. And I think he is worried his wife is going insane, and if that happened he would really be screwed. Whatever his motivation, he has been a lot better.

I read a great line yesterday that sums up how I am feeling about motherhood right now..."I'm straddling the line between Donna Reed and Joan Crawford."

I had a long phone chat with my pedi's nurse....mostly about how Kate is driving us crazy and we are worried that something is wrong with her. We also discussed the possibility of part-time day care. We don't think she has acid reflux or colic. She is just fussy. Period. She also told us that if Kate wants me to hold her, then I need to hold her. Babies are establishing trust right now and that is based on their needs being met. I can't spoil Kate at this age by holding her all the time, but I can do damage by not filling her needs (i.e., being held). This is something Mark needed to hear because he is still stuck on this "don't spoil the babies" crap, but it doesn't address the fact that I can't and don't want to hold Kate 24/7. (Oh, and I tried using a sling with Kate today...she hated it. She wants to be vertical on my chest.)

I am going to hold off on day care as long as I can and try to get my Nanny here more often...even though she is expensive. But I also refuse to feel guilty about it either. The same family members who aren't offering to help me out are the same ones making feel guilty about part-time day care. I don't know why this has been bothering me so much lately. I've never been the type to give a damn what people have thought about me or any of my decisions, so I don't know why I would care now...but I have been. I've also decided to not be stupid and try to do this move into the new house on my own. We are hiring movers to pack us and move us. It's worth the price to me. The idea that I don't have to pack up our entire house on my own has taken a HUGE stress weight off my shoulders.

In other news...we may move our closing date on the new house up a week to May 11th. The sellers are wanting that, and it doesn't matter to us either way. We should find out tomorrow.

First Houston Trip

2007-04-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

Well, we are back.

It wasn't exactly the "vacation" it was billed to be, but I had an okay time. The change of scenery was definitely good, and it was nice seeing other family members. The spa day did not happen. In fact I only left the house twice the entire week...once to go to Office Max to fax some time-sensitive docs to my mortgage broker and then over to my step-brother's house.

The twins did remarkably well on the car trip. We made a stop halfway for a feeding and changing, but other than that they slept the whole time. Once we got to my mom's, we had a tough day and a half adjustment. They must have known they were in a new environment, and they were extremely fussy....especially Kate, but what's new.

Actually, Kate was a nightmare for pretty much the entire trip. I did not realize a 2 month old baby was capable of doing this, but she only wants me to hold her and hold her ALL of the time. There is no way I can just let her cry it out either because she has the most angry/rageful cry I have ever heard. I am seriously afraid she will pass out if I let her go with it. Kate's new clinginess is draining on me, and I don't know what to do about it. If she isn't eating or sleeping, she is crying for me. Bath time is a rare moment of contentment for her (and me!).

Yesterday, we went over to my step-brother's house. I got to meet his 4-month old baby Adam for the first time, and do some catch-up with his oldest child Ryan. Ryan, who is 2 1/2, was so sweet to the twins. He could not correctly pronounce Kate's name so he called her "Cake." All afternoon he referred to her as "Baby Cake." Cute.

Mark came and got us this morning and drove us all home. I had left him a small 5 item list of things that I needed him to get done during his week off from the twins, and not a single item got done. Instead he bitched about how he was still so tired even though he had a full week of pre-baby sleep. Whatever. The resentment builds and builds. Of course, he wasn't too tired to meet up with friends for dinner & drinks, go to happy hour several times, and catch a minor league baseball game with his best friend. But, apparently, asking him to spray the house with ant killer (that I had already bought and set out for him) while the babies and dogs are gone was entirely too much to ask. Ugh. [Sorry to bitch, but this really pisses me off...and I haven't slept much in the last 2 days.]

So now my complete focus is on preparing for our move into the new house. I need to book some movers and start packing. I guess I also need to find or buy us some boxes since that was on Mark's to-do list, but was not done.

Oh, and I think Carson may have an allergy to pet dander. Ever since we brought him home from the NICU he was been stuffy and congested. The entire time we were in Houston (in a dog-free house), he was completely cleared up. Hmm...

A few Houston pics are posted on our Flickr.

H-town

2007-04-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

My mom came in from Houston this morning...which is a good thing because I was about to go nuts...again. Mark hasn't been much help this week because he says he is so exhausted. So that means that I have been functioning on hardly any sleep, and that has caused problems in our household. He isn't sick. He isn't busy at work. This is has been a major source of irritation (to say the least) in my world lately. When mom arrived, I took a 5 hour nap and woke up feeling like a new person. I am going to wear myself into the ground if I don't start getting more sleep on a regular basis. I had no idea exhaustion like this even existed. What's more frustrating to me is that all of the other twin blogs I read...well, the moms don't seem to be going through all of this like I am. Everything is rosy sunshine complete with lots of people who are helping out. I feel like a single parent on most days, and it's physically and mentally killing me.

So it's off to Houston we go tomorrow morning. I am not especially looking forward to the drive, but maybe the twins will surprise me. We have family and friends coming over to see the twins almost every night we will be in town. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and having a little bit of down time. My mom is sending me to a day spa some time during the week. Have I mentioned how much I adore my mom lately?!

Mark and I were suppose to go to his law school reunion tonight, but we opted to be lazy bums at home instead. We are both tired, and I was stressing over what to wear. I still can't come anywhere close to wearing most of my pre-pregnant clothes....or at least not the bottoms. It would have been nice to get all "prettied-up" and rejoin society for one evening though. Oh well.

The new house got inspected on Friday. Everything looks good, and we got a thumbs up from the inspector. The house is less than 2 years old, so everything is still covered under the builder's warranty.

The new pad is a lot bigger than our current house. It's going to take me forever to furnish and decorate the new place, but that's okay. I'm really excited about it, but really not looking forward to another move. Moves are always a nightmare, and this time will be especially hellish because of the twins. I don't even have time to sleep or shower every day, so I don't know how I will pack us up (Mark is of absolutely NO use when it comes to packing).

Anyway, so I am taking a week off from blogging. I hope everyone has a good week!

Under Contract

2007-04-20T02:18:00.000-05:00

We got the house! Yippee! We are scheduled to close on May 18th.

Update & Whatnot

2007-04-19T01:09:00.000-05:00

I have had a rough few days with the twins this week. It's becoming very difficult to put them back to sleep...especially Kate. She pretty much wants to be held at all times. I am utterly exhausted. As far as sheer exhaustion goes, this has been the worst week yet since they've been home.

My mom is coming to pick me and the twins up on Saturday, and we will be in Houston all of next week. On the one hand I am looking forward to it because I will be able to show off the twins to all of our Houston folks, Mom will be a big help with the twins, and I need a change of scenery. But I am concerned about how well the twins will do in a new environment. I am also afraid I will forget to pack something crucial since I've become so non-functional lately.

We made an offer and two counteroffers on a house we really life. After being on the market for 67 days with no offers, the house we like is now in a mini bidding war. I truly don't need this kind of stress. We made our final offer, and at this point I don't care if it's accepted or not. I like the property, but not enough to get into a game of chicken with these folks. All of this just makes me miss work even more. I miss my old world of real estate. I will definitely be returning in August or September.

Mom-to-Mom...When can we start adding a little bit of rice at nighttime?

Mom-to-Mom: Sleeping in Shifts?

2007-04-16T05:22:00.000-05:00

Am I the only mom-of-twins sleeping in shifts?

Tonight we tried an experiment and it did not work out as planned. For the first time since the twins have been home (a month ago now), Mark and I have been sleeping in shifts. This is what our routine has been...

He gets home from work at 5:30 PM. We eat dinner together, and then I go to bed at 8 PM. He watches the twins while I sleep until 12:00 AM. Then I get up and he goes to sleep. I try to get a few cat naps during the day, but that rarely works out well since one or the other twin is up. Then I go to sleep again at 8 PM, and on and on. Mark is getting 8 hours of sleep, and I am getting 4 hours. Many times he will get overwhelmed when both twins are crying at the same time, and then he will come get me during my 4-hour sleep session. Ugh.

Anyway, tonight we decided to try doing it the way I thought it would be like all along...

We ate dinner. We watched The Sopranos and Entourage. We gave the twins a bath and fed them. We put them down to sleep, and then we went to sleep. I figured I would have to get up once or maybe twice in the night for feedings, but that I would still be able to get several hours of consecutive sleep. I was wrong. I was very wrong.

The twins have been restless and hungry. We have not be able to keep them down for more than an hour at a stretch. UGH. So now we will both be exhausted, and I don't even have my nanny to look forward to on Tuesday. I had to cancel her for Tuesday morning because the twins have a morning appointment with a pedi eye doc (follow-up from NICU exam).

I guess the twins aren't ready yet, but I am definitely ready to a normal sleep pattern (i.e., sleeping in my bed with Mark during normal sleeping hours).

So how do ya'll do it? Does everyone with twins start out sleeping in shifts like this?

House Hunting

2007-04-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

As if I am not stressed and exhausted enough as it is, we have decided it's time to get a bigger house. So, we spent 5 hours yesterday house hunting with one of my old Realtor friends. We brought the twins with us, and they did great. It was their first big outing (besides doc visits), and we were nervous on how they would do. They had never been in the car or outside as much as they were, but they pretty much slept the entire time. We had to stop once for a quick feed and change -- at a Jack-in-the-Box no less.

We love living in the heart of Austin, but we have outgrown our house. Besides, I hate that our current neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks and the schools are questionable. So, it's back out to the 'burbs again.

On Friday they received their first round of shots. They seem to be tolerating it well, but they have been more fretful at night....especially Kate.

Me and the twins will be in Houston for an entire week starting next weekend. Mark is going on a long business trip, and I will need some help. So it's mom to the rescue again. I have a lot of family and friends in Houston, and they are all wanting to meet the babies too. I was concerned about how they would do on a car trip like that, but after seeing how well they did yesterday I feel a little better about it.

Meet the Nanny...Seriously

2007-04-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

Now before I start talking smack about my new nanny, let me go ahead and do the required preface.

WARNING: If you are highly-sensitive about your religion then stop reading this post right now.

I am DESPERATE for help. I think she will take good care of my babies. Overall, she is a very nice lady.

Alrighty...she is exactly like the the SNL character Bobbi Mohan-Culp (the middle school choir teacher who is married to Will Ferrell's character). They sorta look the same. (I call it the 1981 librarian look.) They sound/talk exactly the same. And they are pretty much just as goofy and annoying too. But she is also so sugary sweet it's hard to really not like her.

This is not intended to start a big religion debate/fight/discussion, but Nanny Mary (appropriate name, by the way) is over-the-top religious. From talking to her, it sounds like her church is held in a strip mall. (And that kind of thing always makes me nervous.) The moment she walked in my front door she started in on her religious talk. She asked what church we go to, have the babies been baptized yet, etc.

[Oh, some quick background info...Mark and I are not religious. I was raised Catholic (VERY Catholic...Catholic school for 10 years...the uniform and rebellion, etc.) I hate labels, but I guess I would call us agnostic. I could do an entire post on how I spent my college years test-driving all the major religions only to find that I simply do not like organized religion. This also explains why I am fluent in both Latin and Hebrew.]

She really does seem very good with the babies. She has a calming effect on them. Of course, my babies are used to a high-energy, stressed out mom so Nanny Mary had the cards stacked in her favor from the get-go. It was just odd to me to walk in and hear her singing "This Little Light of Mine" while rocking Carson. It's just not the kind of thing I'm used to. In fact, since I suck at nursery songs, I end up singing stuff like "It's the End of the World" by REM (I sing it softly and not nearly as fast) or whatever else pops into my head. They also seem to like Dave Matthews.

I was a little concerned when she told me that the first word all four of her children said was, "Jesus" (she said it in an exaggerated baby voice...Je-sus). Then she started saying that to the twins as they sat in their bouncy seats. No offense, but I do have a problem with that. I thought Mark was going to explode when I told him that later that night. I laughed.

I hope I get more comfortable with Nanny Mary in my house because God knows (pun intended) I need the help. I do think she will be a great help to me. She has been doing this for 30 years, and is already giving me good advice.

When Mark got home that night I told him all about her and all the religious stuff. He was "offended" by all that crap. I'm not. As long as she doesn't shove her beliefs down my throat in my own house or kidnap my babies and have them baptized into some freaky cult, I am fine with it.

I will say that it sucks to pay $60 for a 3 1/2 hour nap! That's the going rate for sleep nowadays. Oh, and of course, the twins slept peacefully the entire time she was here!

Pedi Appointment: 2 Months Old

2007-04-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

Kate

Birth (2/12)...2 lbs, 11 oz; 16.25 inches

NICU Discharge (3/15)...4 lbs, 4 oz

3/20...4 lbs, 8 oz

3/30...4 lbs, 14 oz

4/13...6 lbs, 3 oz; 18.5 inches

Carson

Birth (2/12)...4 lbs, 4 oz; 17.5 inches

NICU Discharge (3/15)...5 lbs, 13 oz

3/20...6 lbs, 2 oz

3/30...6 lbs, 13 oz

4/13...8 lbs, 0 oz; 21 inches

Carson is in the 92nd percentile on height on the preemie growth chart, and 75 percentile on weight. Little Kate is still trying to catch up, but she has come a long way in 2 months!

Pulse check

2007-04-13T05:43:00.000-05:00

I am still here. I am still alive (and the twins are too!). I am still exhausted. I am still adjusting to this new life and schedule (or lack thereof).

New nanny started yesterday. She will be here only two mornings a week. Details on that when I'm not one-handed typing.

Looking forward to today's pedi appointment...I get to leave the house (!!) and I can't wait to see how much weight the babies have packed on.

Improvement

2007-04-10T08:15:00.000-05:00

Things have been improving in my world lately. Nothing drastic, but better. It really boils down to two factors:

(1) The babies have increased the amount they are eating. This means they are sleeping for longer stretches of time. They are still doing the occasional 2-hour feeding, but the majority of the time they are lasting 3 and 4 hours. This gives me time to do things around the house, have some down time, and cat nap. I have had to learn the art of cat napping. A good 30-minute nap can give me enough fuel to function longer. Kate is still my -- ahem -- "challenging" twin, but she is also more alert now. When she is alert and happy, she is the cutest baby on the planet. She is very bright-eyed and inquisitive. Carson is my sweet, cuddly twin. He is the kind of baby all pregnant women dream about. He doesn't seem as interested in the world around him as his sister is. He seems content just being held, talked to, and looking at his holder.

(2) I have surrendered. It has taken me 3-weeks to do so, but I have finally surrendered to the idea that this is my life right now. I am taking it day-by-day and reminding myself that this time period is just temporary. I miss working. Well, not so much working, but I miss seeing other adults, having a reason to get dressed in the mornings, and just simply leaving the house. But I am trying not to dwell on all that. I am trying (though not always successfully) to focus on how much the twins are growing and changing on a daily basis, how cute they are, how much they need me right now, etc.

I guess a third factor would be confidence. Before the twins came home, I was 100% baby ignorant. I had never been around babies. I had never taken care of babies. I knew nothing. So, I stressed over everything. After 3-weeks though, I have more confidence in the situation. I no longer stress like I did before. I no longer drop everything and run when one of them makes the slightest sound. Talk about a crash course!

Stranger Comment: Translation Needed

2007-04-10T07:56:00.000-05:00

I had been meaning to post this last week, but, well...life is busy right now. Anyway, last week we (me, Mark & the twins) went up to the hospital for a baby CPR class offered at the NICU. We were in a rush, struggling with the new double car seat stroller that we had never used before, and flat-out exhausted. We finally made it into the hospital and were waiting in the lobby for the elevator. I was pushing the stroller, so I had my hands resting on the handle bar. A middle-aged woman looked over at us and the twins -- which, by the way, I am still not used to all the stares -- and said...

"What a beautiful ring. Looks like you are earning it now."

Huh? Can someone please translate that comment for me? She was referring to my wedding ring and it sounded a lot like an insult (especially given her facial expression at the time she said it). I was too stressed to do anything but give her a look. When we got settled down in the class, Mark leaned over and said he couldn't believe I let a comment like that slide from a complete stranger. I guess stress and exhaustion is cooling my temper.

Due Date

2007-04-08T06:54:00.000-05:00

Well, it has finally arrived! My official, full-term, 40-week due date is today...Easter. Of course, I gave birth on February 12th -- which now feels like a lifetime ago and reminds me yet again just how early the twins really came.

We had a big family gathering at our house yesterday. My grandfather (aka Papa) got to meet the twins for the first time. It was nice getting several of my aunts, uncles and cousins over for a big meal. I've always loved family time, but I especially love it now since they just whisk the twins away the moment they walk in the door. I am convinced my family thinks we are the two biggest liars on the planet because the twins are perfect, sweet, non-fussy angels when we have guests over. The moment everyone leaves, of course, they cry, scream and keep us up all night. Anyway, we had a good time.

Damn, it is COLD here in Austin. We had freezing rain, sleet, and all that good stuff yesterday which had never happened in central Texas in April. Last week I had on the A/C and was walking around the house in shorts.

My mom was here for the weekend which was awesome. When my mom is here that means I get to sleep a a full night's rest.

Now I don't want to jinx myself here, BUT...the twins seem to be doing a little better. They have increased their food in the last few days and are sleeping for longer periods of time between feedings. Carson is taking 3 to 3.5 ounces now (up from 2 oz), and Kate is taking 2.5 ounces regularly (up from 1 to 2 oz). During the day they are often sleeping 3-4 hours at a stretch. Carson is also sleeping that long at night, but Kate is getting up every 2-ish hours between 12 AM and 8 AM. I've also noticed that their awake/alert/active periods are getting longer during the day. Instead of eating and then wanting to go straight back to sleep, they are now wanting to be a part of the action. They look around, they play in their bouncy seats, etc...the last thing they want is to go back to bed.

Oh, and I did not get to meet the possible nanny on Friday. There was a miscommunication thanks to the King of Miscommunication (Mark). Apparently, he did not tell her that I was coming up to his office that afternoon with the twins for the Egg Hunt and wanted to meet her. She thought I was coming to see her next week. So now I have to figure out a way to go up there next week.

Possible Nanny Found...Yippee!

2007-04-06T10:30:00.000-05:00

It's too soon to say with certainty, but I may have found some nanny help!

At Mark's law office, they have a day care (thanks to progressive female law partners!) that the twins will eventually be going to. However, since they are so preemie, the pedi doesn't want them to go there until they are about 8 months old. Anyway, there is a woman and her two adult daughters who run the day care at Mark's office. Mark talked to the older woman (the mom) about our situation at home and how we desperately need nanny help until the twins are old enough to go to the day care. (Knowing him, he probably told her his wife has become a bitchy basketcase and that *I* need help.) She showed a lot of interest in the gig. Since her daughters are pretty much running the day care on their own, she would love a nanny job during the week and especially in the mornings. She has a ton of experience, she's CPR certified, has a state license, etc.

This afternoon I am taking the twins up to his office in their Easter clothes for the office Easter egg hunt for the children of the employees. I will get to meet her and see if she will be a good fit for us then. I am so excited! I hope this works out.

Fingers crossed!

What I've Learned So Far...

2007-04-05T03:38:00.000-05:00

The twins have now been home from the NICU for 3 weeks. Here’s a small portion of the things I have learned since then…

* Keep my nails cut very short. I have naturally long, nice nails (thanks Mom), but I find it’s hard to do all of the daily baby stuff with them…especially burping.

* You can never have too many bibs, cloth diapers/burp rags, and the like because babies are messy eaters!

* It is essential to keep a suction bulb in every room of the house. There’s nothing like having a choking baby and running through the house trying to find the damn suction bulb. I now have one everywhere, including the car and the diaper bag.

* Using a tiny whisk is great for mixing the formula in the bottle. If I shake it up (like the instructions say), you end up with foamy, bubbly formula.

* Both twins are mid-morning poopers.

* Make sure to pull Kate’s diaper up high in the back or else I will be changing her outfit in an hour.

* Both twins love bath time. It’s really the only time in which they seem happy and peaceful, so drag out bath time as long as possible.

* Both twins hate having their diaper changed, and they also hate putting on clothes that require something going over their heads. I have been trying to find outfits that snap straight down the front just to avoid the wrestling match that ensues over the head issue.

* The Diaper Champ was a waste of money. With the amount of diapers the twins go through in a single day, I don’t have the time, energy or desire to change out the bag four times a day. So we bought a new kitchen-sized trash can with a sealed lid for the nursery and empty it once a day.

* The twins have an uncanny ability to sense right when I’m about to loose my mind due to lack of sleep, stress, and/or frustration. That’s when the coo and throw me a smile. I like to think they have an inner dialogue that goes something like, “Opps, Mom’s about the crack up. I’ve pushed her too far again. I better smile and show her what a cute baby I can be.”

* The twins also have an uncanny ability to know when I am starving and finally about to eat. I think they save up their fussiness especially for those times.

* Savor showers. Savor sleep. Savor trips out of the house alone. Savor time alone with husband. Savor time to talk on the phone. Savor 3-hour stretches between feedings.

* You must get a burp out of them halfway through the feeding and then once they are finished. If you don’t, there will be hell to pay later.

* I am averaging 30 bottles per day. It usually takes roughly 30 minutes for them to finish off one bottle. So, that's approximately 15 hours per day of just feeding…not including bottle prep, washing/sterilizing the bottles, burping, soothing back the sleep, etc.

And the list could go on and on, but it’s 3:38 AM and time for another feeding.

Still trying to adjust

2007-04-03T02:05:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day I was completely on my own with the twins. Mom was gone, Mark was at work, and I was flying solo. My new schedule is to sleep from 7 PM (after Mark gets home and we eat dinner) to midnight. Mark is on "duty" then. Then I get up at midnight and stay up until 7 PM again. Naps are not possible during the day. Carson is doing pretty good at sleeping 3 and almost 4 hours between most feedings (but not all), but Kate is still eating every hour and half to two hours. Essentially, Mark and I are just two ships passing in the night. I don't know how we are going to do this with no help. [I still haven't heard anything from my nanny ads.]

The nightmare moment of the day came at around 2 PM. Both of the twins were screaming and hungry, both had major poop in their diapers, Kate had partially removed her diaper so there was poop on the blanket and clothes, the phone was ringing non-stop, and I was about to pee in my own pants. N-I-G-H-T-M-A-R-E scenario! It was the only time throughout my first solo day that I thought I was going to lose my cool. This is also a fine example of why I don't want them on the same feeding schedule. I like having them 30-45 minutes apart.

Everyone keeps telling me things will start to get better. When? When does it start to get better? I don't even see my husband anymore. I am in a chronic state of exhaustion, and I don't like that I have to sleep from 7PM to midnight because that just isolates me further from my friends and family (no phone calls while I am sleeping). I never leave the house anymore. I need a light at the end of the tunnel...when will it start improving? When they are 3 months? 6 months?

To be honest, it's Kate that is wearing me down. She has to eat so frequently, she is hard to put back to bed, and it seems like there isn't a waking moment in which she is not screaming her head off (not crying, but screaming). I don't get cuddle time with her at all. She doesn't seem to want it. If she isn't sleeping then she is extremely hungry. When I was pregnant, she was the one I felt the most "bonded" to. She kicked me constantly and I could almost predict her moods in utero. Now that she is out, she doesn't want anything to do with me unless I have a bottle in my hand. Carson is just the opposite of all that. My family calls him "lover boy" because he loves to cuddle, hold hands, look at people and smile. Is it normal to feel distant from Kate? I keep telling my mom that I wish she would just so me a tiny amount of affection or seem to enjoy the affection I give her. It's the strangest thing, and sometimes (especially when I am up with her for the millionth time) it hurts my feelings. How crazy am I?

Lee Harvey Oswald

2007-04-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

This is how twisted my mind works sometimes. I have been referring to the above photo of Kate as her "Lee Harvey Oswald impression"...now you can see why.

Random Bullets of Crappola: Weekend Edition

2007-04-02T08:31:00.000-05:00

Since I am way too tired to put this into paragraph form, I am resorting to my lazy format...

I forgot to post the twins' stats from their last pedi appointment last Friday. Carson is now 6 lbs, 13 oz & Kate is 4 lbs, 14.5 oz. They are both doing well, but the pedi wants Kate to start packing on the weight at a faster rate.

My mom went back home to Houston on Sunday morning. I really thought I would be the one to cry since she helped us so much the last 2 weeks, but she was the one who cried. She is talking more and more about retiring in July and moving to San Antonio to help my 81-year old grandfather. If she did that, she would only be 100 miles from me -- which by Texas standards is like living across the street -- and would be able to help me a few days a week.

Carson slept for 4 straight hours last night! That has never happened before, and I ended up waking him up to feed.

I love the fact that Mark forgets the baby monitor is turned on sometimes. I can sit in the living room or home office and listen to him talk to the twins in their nursery. He tells them the funniest stories.

How do you respond to an emo-looking teenaged cashier at Target who says, "So, you learned your lesson the first time, eh? I hope so. There are too many damn people in this world as it is!"...that was in response to noticing I had diapers, formula, and a pack of condoms in my shopping cart. (This all may fall under the category of TMI, but oh well. The condoms were a strange thing to buy, but it was a "just-in-case" item since I haven't started back on the Pill yet.) Had I been well-rested, I am sure I would have torn into that kid, but I was just too tired to care. I ended up just sighing and saying, "Oh shut the hell up."

The transition from the Pack-n-Play to the nursery hasn't been too bad. However, we are keeping them in the same crib because when we put them in their own separate cribs they cried non-stop. We put them together in a single crib (with sleep positioners dividing them), and they love it. I love having them in their own room. I don't feel like I have to tip-toe around anymore.

My mom bought me a Dyson vacuum cleaner for my 30th birthday, and I totally dig it! First of all, it's a sad, sad fact that I am in love with a vacuum cleaner or that I was excited I got one for a birthday gift, but it is true! I even did the "test"...I vacuum the master bedroom with our old vacuum and then did it with the Dyson to see how much the first one missed. I am so ashamed to admit that.

Photo: Here is my favorite Carson photo.

Photo Shoot @ 6-weeks old

2007-04-01T07:48:00.000-05:00

Instead of loading all of them on here, I added a link if anyone wants to see the entire collection of twins' first professional photo shoot from last weekend. We will probably shoot them every 3 months until they are a year.

Anyway, so here are the twins at 6-weeks old. Let me know (or leave a comment on the photo) which ones you like best. I'm still trying to decide which ones I want printed.

Kate & Carson's Newborn Photo Shoot

30-something....eek!

2007-03-31T20:51:00.000-05:00

I was going to write a long, deep retrospective on my 20s, but who the hell has time for that?! So here are two photos taken today.

I had a good 30th birthday. I had some family and friends stop by...which was extra nice because they did most of the baby "maintenance" for the day. Then Mark and I went out for a very nice seafood dinner. We had planned to go see some stand-up comedy (one of our favorite things), but we were both just so exhausted after dinner that we blew it off and went home instead (further evidence that I'm getting old).

Perhaps I will write more about the ending on one era and the beginning of another one day when I have some free time...HA HA...as if that exists anymore.

Oh, and for the 6th year in a row (i.e., for as long as I've been with Mark), my mother-in-law has forgotten my birthday. No call, no card, no gift, nada. Reason #172 she is called the monster-in-law.

Birth Announcements

2007-03-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

I wanted to show everyone what we are doing for our birth announcements. We decided a while back that we wanted to do something unique and something distinctly not "baby-ish." My two baby showers and my nursery are all over-the-top cute and baby-ish, so Mark and I are on cuteness overload.

Anyway, I found this guy who makes movie poster-style birth announcements. We think they are so cool looking and definitely different! It has all of their birth stats plus other things like...

Directed by [OB's Name]

Produced by [Our Names]

Filmed on location at Seton Medical Center

Supporting Cast [peri doc, neo doc, head nurse's names]

Now Showing in Austin, TX

Catered by Mommy & Similac

Soundtrack Available on Waaahhh!!! Records

Rated "T" for Twins

etc.

This is also a cute nod of sorts to my mother-in-law who was a child star back in her day. (She played Darla in The Little Rascals movies in the 1940s.)

Here is a link to his web site...5 Star Baby. I have also posted the two twin samples he emailed me. If you save the photos and blow them up, you can see all the details I am talking about.

In other news...I had my post-partum OB appointment this morning. All is well. My blood pressure is still high (damn pre-eclampsia...it's still hanging on!). I will have it checked in a month and if there is no major improvement he will put me on blood pressure meds and send me to a cardiologist. Wonderful. That's I need...another specialist!

We have had a rough day with Carson. He is developing a pattern of crying his butt off until I put him on my chest. This is concerning to me because years ago my mother-in-law told me my husband only wanted to sleep on her chest/stomach when he was a baby. I know Carson's had some gas issues lately, and perhaps laying on his tummy helps...or...could this behavior/preference actually be genetic? What's really odd is he can be in full-blown cry mode and the second his cheek hits my chest he is out like a light. I don't know what to do with this. Mark is afraid I am "spoiling" him but there is only so much crying I can take. Not to mention there is always the fear that his screaming will wake up Kate, and then I would have two screaming twins. [And that is to be avoided at ALL cost!]

Cleaning House

2007-03-28T12:55:00.000-05:00

I deleted my "It sucks being the Miranda" post because some people in my real life (ahem, actually it was just one person) can't handle reading about feelings on certain topic. Perhaps it hits a little too close to home for them, and more specifically they read into it what isn't there. [Ironically, the person it pissed off wasn't even the subject of that post.]

So, if you can't handle the reality of my situation and my feelings, don't read the blog. It's that simple. Most of the time lately, I feel that this blog is the only place for me to put down my thoughts and feelings while I am undergoing this major life change. I actually have to schedule in time during my day (or night) to post something on here, but I almost consider it therapy. I don't care if strangers read it or no one at all...I need a place that's just mine. Hardly anyone in my real life knows of this blog, and if they do find it...well...just be grateful I am not posting photos and names. :)

One of the best aspects of being so busy with infants is that you quickly learn how to prioritize what's important and what's not. It's been long overdue that I do some housecleaning (so to speak) in my life, and that's starting now.

Anyway, my mom is back in town, and the time apart was good. The babies are doing great and I actually managed to get in 3 hours of sleep last night. Carson did not have a "colic episode" last night, so now I am wondering if it was colic at all. Perhaps he just had an upset tummy for three nights in a row. Who knows.

We are having a get-together at our house this Saturday (my 30th birthday). It will be fun to show off the twins and see everyone. I wish our pool was warm enough to swim in, but that probably won't happen until late May.

What a difference sleep can make!

2007-03-27T17:34:00.000-05:00

Today has been a better day (so far). This is mainly due to the fact that (a) Mark did night duty and I got 7 hours of consecutive sleep, (b) my mom will be gone for 2 days and we desperately needed a break from each other, (c) I finally heard back from the UT School of Nursing and I am getting good feedback on the nanny hunt, and (d) Mark's massive case just settled today! He took the afternoon off and we had a good talk. I don't want to say all is well just yet, but we are on a better path.

Kate has been cluster-feeding like crazy today. The pedi said this might happen, and it definitely happened today! She is only eating an ounce or so and doing it every hour to hour and a half. Good grief! I hope this doesn't last long.

Random thoughts...you can never have too many bibs. Also, I heard back from a local nanny service and they charge $225 per night for a night nanny plus a 10% agency fee and taxes! I find it hard to believe that a nanny working 5 hours per night 5 days a week can make over $60,000 per year. So, I'm back hunting at UT School of Nursing.

I wasn't prepared for how hard this would be...

2007-03-26T21:19:00.000-05:00

I'm falling apart. Today's highlights include:

Sleeping for 2 hours over the past 24 hours.
Carson having colic from 2 to 4 AM. Nothing I do seems to soothe his screaming.
I got into a major fight with my bossy, nagging, controlling mother. That resulted in her crying most of the day and a household full of I'm-not-speaking-to-you tension. I want her gone. I love her, but there is room for only one Queen Bee in my house.
Breaking down in the OB's lobby today. Crying and crying. Everyone looked at me like I was totally pathetic, and I didn't give a shit. Then right as the OB was going to see me, he had to walk across the street for an emergency delivery. So I left. I wasn't going to wait for him and that pissed off his nurses. I don't have 3 hours of my day to devote to waiting on anyone. I re-scheduled for Thursday morning. Oh, and my blood pressure was sky high. Looks like my pre-eclampsia is still around and a trip to a cardiologist is in my near future. Great.
I'm still having trouble finding a good nanny service. Calls and emails don't get returned when I call and place inquires. Finding a good nanny who will allow me to get 4 hours of sleep per day may be the only thing that saves me physically and emotionally right now.
And, finally, being married to a husband who never asks about my day. He came in from work and started yapping away about his crap. I listened and showed interest in his stuff. Then he spends the rest of the evening acting irritated with me...even on a day when I so obviously needed a hug. He never asked about my OB appointment or what was going on with my mom. I don't think I can be married to someone who can't at least ask, "How was your day?" He doesn't ask because he thinks I have a cushy life just napping all day and playing with cute babies.

When does your first period happen after a c-section? Either I am depressed (isn't it too late for PPD?) or I am experiencing the worst case of psychotic PMS on record. It's been 6 weeks since the birth, so I am wondering when the dreaded period will re-appear.

Kate

2007-03-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

Let me know if you are getting sick of all the new photos.

Twin Overload!

2007-03-26T12:42:00.000-05:00

New Photos of Carson

2007-03-26T12:41:00.000-05:00

His hand was behind his ear in this one.

More & More Photos of the Twins

2007-03-25T16:26:00.000-05:00

All of these taken today.

New Photos of Kate

2007-03-25T16:25:00.001-05:00

I love baby feet!

2007-03-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

Here are some photos of Kate & her little feet taken today!

Not Much to Say...

2007-03-23T13:15:00.000-05:00

I don't have much report other than my mom has decided to stay here another week. We had talked about taking the babies with me to Houston and staying with her there. I just don't feel comfortable with that yet. Carson may be getting a sinus infection or cold. I have three doc appointments next week. I feel like a single parent right now...Mark is just non-existent currently. I am so sleepy and crabby these days. My goal for next week is to finalize nanny plans so I can at least sleep every morning.

Also, I want to say congratulations to one of my pregnant-with-twins blogger buddies, Kerry Lynn. She carried her boy/girl twins to term (wow!) and they were born on St. Patrick's Day.

Photo of the Day: Fish Face

2007-03-22T02:48:00.000-05:00

Kate is notorious for her "fish face" expression. Sometimes she will literally fall asleep with her fish face. It is not a momentary expression, she can hold it for a while. Here is one from this morning.

Dangers of Dog Hair

2007-03-21T18:40:00.000-05:00

I am somewhat (okay, very) embarrassed to post this little nugget, but...

I had a dog hair surgically removed from my foot today! Yes, a DOG HAIR. More specifically, an inch long coarse black hair from my lab dog Maggie.

Back Story: Back in January (i.e., when I was massively pregnant with the twins and starting to have complications), I could tell I had something stuck in the ball of my left foot. It wasn't painful, but it was irritating. I ignored it. It looked like a tiny black spec, and I couldn't get it out myself. As the months have gone by, it has really started to hurt but I was so involved with the NICU life that I continued to ignore it. However, since I am a diabetic and need to be careful of my feet, I made an appointment with a podiatrist this week. I figured I could have it looked at while my mom was in town to watch the twins.

Anyway, the foot doc had to CUT it out. Oh, and no numbing stuff! It was so damn painful. I was horribly embarrassed when he announced it was a dog hair. Don't even ask how this happened. I have no idea, but I will always wear slippers around the house from now on! So now I have my foot bandaged up and it hurts like holy hell to walk on.

In other news...I felt good today because I was able to sleep last night. I had to call the pedi nurse to have her remind me what the pedi told me to do as far as Carson's tear duct blockage, gas drops, amount of tummy time, etc. I should not be allowed to go to such important doc appointments when I had been up for 48 hours straight! The nurse chuckled and said it happens more than you would think...parents too sleepy to remember what was said that is.

I have night duty tonight. Lovely. I still need to seriously get a nanny nailed down. It's amazing what 4-5 hours of sleep can do for me!

1st Pediatrian Appointment

2007-03-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

The twins did great at their first pedi appointment. They also seemed to enjoy the car ride. Anyway, here are the stats...

NICU DISCHARGE (3/15)
Carson's Weight 5 lbs, 13 oz.
Kate's Weight 4 lbs, 4 oz.

1st PEDI APPOINTMENT (3/20)
Carson's Weight 6 lbs, 2 oz.
Kate's Weight 4 lbs, 8 oz.

I also spoke to a part-time nurse/nursing college student who has done nanny work in the past and also works at my pedi's office. I think we may be a good fit, so I will be talking to her further about possibly helping me out a few mornings a week.

The twins' have a follow-up appointment with the pedi in 10 days, and I am still trying to compute the massive amount of information the pedi put on us. (Damn I need some sleep!)

The twins will be having their first professional photo shoot at our house on Sunday morning (friend of the family). That should be fun....well, except they want me in some of the photos and they will be arriving at 8:30 AM...which means I need to do my hair & make-up and look halfway presentable by 8:30 in the damn morning! I have no idea how I will swing that. I hope they can Photo Shop my dark sleep deprived circles under my eyes out of the pics! :)

Random stuff from a sleepless night (and day)

2007-03-19T18:42:00.000-05:00

We had a ROUGH night. Both twins were up screaming for no apparent reason. Carson did seem to have a tummy issue as he was farting all night and I could hear and feel his tummy making sounds. Then again...I have no idea what the hell I am talking about. This is all trial-and-error. New Mom stuff. The only way I could get Kate to sleep last night was to let her sleep on my chest while I napped on the sofa. This is NOT a habit I want to get into with her, but I was desperate after 3 hours. I like having my mom here (and I don't know how I will manage when she leaves), but there are some drawbacks to having a menopausal woman in the house. She is freezing all of us out. I have the babies bundled as if we live up north, and it's driving us nuts. [By the way, we are not cold natured. I always tend to be hot too, but this is freaking ridiculous!]

Kate peed on me this afternoon during a diaper change. I didn't know a baby girl could get that kind of mid-air arch, but she could!

Finding Pampers Swaddlers PREEMIE sized diapers is becoming a challenge. At the baby showers folks stocked me up with massive sized diapers, and finding preemie stuff is not as easy as you would think.

Carson's crying...

Nanny Needed?

2007-03-17T23:24:00.000-05:00

Getting ready for her first at home bath.

Napping the in the Pack-n-Play

Day 2 is in the books. All continues to go well, but I am really beginning to wonder when I am going to sleep once my mom leaves. The twins are fed every 2 1/2 to 3 hours and it usually takes an hour to feed both (feed, burp multiple times, change diaper, cuddle & put back to bed). We are talking more and more about hiring a day nanny to help me out a few days or hours a week...especially since Mark is travelling so much right now. If I am doing day shift and night shift (so Mark can sleep for work), when I do sleep? Do any experienced twin moms have advice on this topic...sleep, nannies, time management? A NICU nurse suggested placing an ad with the UT School of Nursing. Good nanny help might be found there. Thoughts?

Here are some photos from today...including Kate's first bath at home. Overall she appeared to love the bath, but it's funny how it took three adults to determine the proper water temperature! The rest are posted on Kate & Carson's Flickr page (link in the sidebar).

Homecoming

2007-03-16T21:38:00.000-05:00

Kate & Carson are home!

First Visitors

2007-03-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

My cousins Julie (who has 6 month old twin boys) and Jil stopped by for a quick visit with the twins. We had a good first full day home...get a routine down, feel less overwhelmed, and grateful that my mom is here! She did "night duty" last night with the twins, and let Mark and I get a full night's rest. It was one of the best gifts she has ever given me!

Home

2007-03-15T18:41:00.000-05:00

We are all home. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Functioning on 2 hours of sleep. A few moments of crying...me & the twins. My mom came in a day early to help. Thank God! More later.

Goodbye Sleep

2007-03-14T00:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, ya'll, I'm freaking out just a tad tonight. Tonight is my LAST alone. Tomorrow night we do the rooming-in thing with the twins at the hospital, and then they are home with us after that. I have been running around preparing the house as if I was expecting house guests that I am trying to impress. (Hmm, do you think the twins will notice how nicely the guest bathroom hand towels are folded?)

I have been fighting and pushing like hell to get the twins out of NICU, and now that it's happening...umm, I have no idea what I am doing!

I know this must sound incredibly crazy, but I feel like I will officially become a mom on Thursday morning. Nevermind the fact that they were cut out of my body over a month ago or that I have been visiting them twice a day since that time. Thursday is when it happens.

Everyone has been telling me to go to bed early tonight because it's the last time I was sleep again. However, it 1:00 AM Wednesday morning and I can't sleep!

By the way, does anyone know how long I need to boil the bottles (sterilizing)? It's the last item of my list to do in the morning. Sheesh...you see what I mean? I don't know what I am doing. I don't even know how to sterilize the bottles. Oh, and what about the nipples and whatnot? Do I toss them in too?

Car Seat Test

2007-03-13T07:06:00.000-05:00

Kate is so tiny in her car seat!

Both twins passed their car seat tests with flying colors. It was a little tricky for Kate because the car seat holds a minimum of 5 lbs and she is just barely over 4, but they managed to make adjustments to her seat to make it work.

Walking Papers!

2007-03-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

It's official...the twins are coming home on Thursday morning! HOT DAMN!

I brought their car seats up there this morning so that could do the car seat test this afternoon, and I spoke at length with the neo doc. He feels good about sending them home. So, Mark and I will be rooming-in with the twins at the hospital on Wednesday night, and then we are outta there the next morning.

I can finally exhale!

Now it's back to my nesting rituals... :)

Could it be true!? Freedom?!

2007-03-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

I am trying so hard to contain my excitement because nothing is official yet, but...

I had two nurses (one being a nurse practitioner in charge of discharging babies) this afternoon that the neo doc was going to talk to me tomorrow about discharging the twins THIS WEEK!!!!

If this is true, there is so much I need to get done. I need to schedule the OB (who I think is on Spring Break with his kiddos) to do Carson's circumcision, I need to sign up for Mark and I to room-in, I need to get all of the last minute stuff done (installing car seats, sterilizing the bottles, laundry, etc.). What makes all of this even more crazy is that Mark will be out-of-town on business Monday (tomorrow) through Wednesday, and then again the following Monday. My mom is trying to clear her schedule at work so she can come up from Houston to help me while he is gone.

I am so excited and basically running around like a chicken without its head. Is it possible to be experiencing nesting a full month after delivery?!

Anyway, Kate has hit 4 lbs today!! I can't believe it. She gained a pound in a little over a week, and she is now in a bassinet like Carson. They moved her into the new bed this morning. They both continue to feed well and everything with both of them is excellent. I couldn't be happier!

I will be truly shocked if their neo doc sets them free this week. He tends to be a nervous Nelly, but it gives me some hope since I heard from the discharge nurse.

Clothes & Cribs

2007-03-11T00:13:00.000-06:00

After yesterday's post you would think I'd have something profound to say....

Nope. :)

Twins reached more NICU milestones today. Carson was moved from his elevated platform looking NICU bed into a traditional hospital crib. That's one step closer out the door for him. He also took it upon himself to remove his own feeding tube (again), and the nurses decided to just keep it out since he is doing better with bottle feedings. Miss Kate has learned to regulate her own body temp, so she is wearing clothes and is swaddled. It was so strange to visit her today and see her in one of the pink PJs I brought up there for her. I am so used to see her naked in her plastic incubator. She is still in the incubator because her hospital crib (like Carson's) won't arrive until Monday. By the way, she is swimming in her preemie-sized PJs!

Here's the NICU checklist:

Self-regulating body temp (YES)
Gaining steady weight (YES)
100% bottle feedings (YES)
No apnea for over a week (YES)
Wearing clothes (YES)
In normal cribs (YES)
No IV (Yes...for a long time now)
Over 4 lbs (Yes for Carson; Kate is 3 lbs, 13 oz...3 more oz to go!)

The only things left are the 1-hour car seat test and the overnight rooming-in practice run. We are also signed up for the preemie care class and baby CPR class at the hospital for good measure.

I am sincerely hoping the twins come home a week from today -- St. Patrick's Day. Given what my name is -- and I think some of you know -- it would be a huge dose of irony!

Slight change in direction

2007-03-10T00:11:00.000-06:00

Since finding out I was pregnant, this blog has become almost exclusively about the pregnancy, birth, NICU hell, and photos of the twins. I am still going to post a lot about my adventures in twin mommyhood, but I need to go back a little to why I originally started blogging in the first place -- for my own sanity and entertainment. I've even deleted past posts and done other acts of self-censorship because I felt it was too "edgy" (i.e. bitchy). I need to stop doing that. That is so not me, and goes against who I have always been. Anyway, I want to really combine all the aspects of my life into this blog -- motherhood, marriage, thoughts, the past, encounters, political, humor, random opinions, and observed ridiculousness.

I think what brought on this realization is (1) I am so scared of forgetting/losing who I am and just mindlessly going 100% into mommy mode. Does that make sense to anyone out there other than me? Of course, I love being Kate & Carson's mom. It's the greatest thing -- BY FAR -- that's ever happened to me...and the journey's just begun. I want to document all of it because I'm sure (like everything else in life) it will go by in a flash. But I miss expressing the other side of me too. (2) Once upon a time, I was an op-ed writer so I need to vent out opinions with a good dash of salty humor and sarcasm. And finally (3) I just remembered today that I am turning 30 at the end of the month. It's a big birthday! I can't believe I completely over-looked it until this afternoon. I have no fear of getting older -- and 30 is not old anyway -- but it does steer you down memory lane just a bit.

Twin Update: We had a great evening visit with the twins again. Kate has hit another big milestone...her feeding tube is out! She has done 24+ hours of 100% bottle feeding and now her test begins. I am trying like hell not to get too excited and stressed over it like I did for Carson's first attempt at solo bottle feeding. (And, yes, his tube is still in, but he has taken all of his feedings today by bottle...so, it might be out tomorrow.) Kate is now 3 lbs., 10 oz., and Carson is 5 lbs., 6 oz. They both took it all by bottle tonight, but Kate is the champion eater. She may have a future in competitive eating one day. She finished hers in less than 10 minutes, and he took a full 30 minutes.

Carson feeding @ 23 days old

2007-03-09T08:22:00.000-06:00

This photo just cracks me up! He looks so miserable as I try to burp him.

Ahhhh, much better!

He took the whole bottle and it wasn't too much of a fight. Can't you see Kate in his profile? I see it more everyday.

Kate @ 23 days old

2007-03-09T08:14:00.000-06:00

Kate & I doing some kangaroo time last night. Kate and Carson are starting to look more alike every day...or at least they look more like siblings now.

A new preemie-sized dress for Kate...perhaps for Easter. She BETTER be home by Easter! :)

Much Better Night @ NICU

2007-03-08T22:43:00.000-06:00

We had a great nurse tonight. And since all of the other babies in our area had gone home, we had her all to ourselves. It was a million times better than this afternoon. I seem to enjoy the evening visits with Mark more anyway.

The server is having problems letting me upload photos onto my blog, so the newest pics of the twins from tonight's visit are located at...

Kate & Carson on Flickr

P.S. Carson took his full bottle from us tonight.

New Kate Photos & an Update

2007-03-07T10:09:00.000-06:00

Feeding time. She takes the bottle pretty well.

Checking out her world from the confines of her little plastic box.

Photo is a bit blurry, but you can tell how tiny she still is compared to my hand.

I realize I've been posting more photos of Carson lately and not as many of Kate. Since she is still in the incubator, it's difficult to get many photos of her. Whereas, Mr. Carson is easily accessed. Here are some new ones of little Kate.

UPDATE

Carson is holding strong at 5 lbs. Kate is up to 3 lbs, 7 oz.

Carson's feeding tube was put back in like I suspected. He just needs to build his stamnia up a bit more so he will be able to physically make it through a bottle feeding.

NICU folks are telling us it will likely be another 2 weeks until one or both of them can come home. (That seems like an eternity!)

Carson's Hot Tub

2007-03-07T10:03:00.000-06:00

In the three weeks the twins have been in the NICU, the nurses have never done bath time in front of us. For some reason they prefer to do it during the hours they are closed. I just happened to catch Carson getting a bath the other day though. So, technically this isn't his first bath, but it's the first bath I witnessed.

Pacing Nurses & Timed Bottle Feedings

2007-03-05T22:42:00.000-06:00

If you thought I was crazy before, wait until you hear this...

I am having test anxiety...just a little bit. Carson had his tube feeding tube removed this morning because he had taken all of his full feedings by bottle for the past 24 consecutive hours. This is a MAJOR milestone for a NICU baby. Now he just needs to continue doing 100% bottle feedings for the next 48 hours (without failing any of them), and we could be taking him home very soon. Anyway, so the pressure is on. I gave him his noon feeding by bottle and he had trouble staying awake for it. He had 30 minutes to drink all of his 55 cc of milk. The nurse was practically standing over my shoulder reminding me of the time. I started to panic and felt like I was 17 again and sitting for the S.A.T.

The nurse was literally pacing behind me while I practically begged Carson to finish his bottle. I actually found myself softly saying, "Come on little Carson. Come on. Wake up. Just a little more." In all fairness to him, he had just finished his daily bath right before feeding time, so I thought it was incredibly unfair to expect him to eat after that. Whatever. He finished just in the nick of time.

The same thing happened today at the 8 PM feeding. Carson kept falling asleep, and I tried every trick in the book to get him interested in feeding. But he didn't finish. He drank 4/5ths of his bottle and was done. Technically he failed the stupid test, and I will be pissed if I see that damn tube in his nose tomorrow morning. (Good chance it will be back.)

I just thought the whole thing was ridiculous. I was stressing over this. It doesn't help the situation when I have a nurse pacing around and telling me, "Four more minutes." I should have asked if they pause the damn stop watch for burp times.

Enough of that...

Carson is at 5 lbs and little Miss Kate is 3 lbs, 6 oz. She is starting to pack on the weight quickly now. It's amazing how much she is changing now that she is filling out. For some reason the nurses have much better luck feeding them than I do. They hover over me, so I know I am doing it correctly but I can't seem to keep them awake. The nurses tell me this is common. Basically, the babies feel so relaxed and comfortable with me that they just fall asleep. I love that they do that...except when I want to get them out of the NICU and timed bottle feeding is one of the final hurdles. Grr.

I really sense that Carson will be coming home soon. Perhaps in a week. I can't wait!

I had a nice visit with my mom this past weekend, although it seemed like a short visit. She couldn't get over how much the twins had grown and changed since birth.

That's about it in my world. I hope everyone is doing wonderfully. Send me a line.

Mr. Carson

2007-03-02T13:45:00.000-06:00

Here are some photos of Carson after the session with his sister. The nurses took Kate back to her bed quickly because she was so fussy, so I could only get some solo shots of Mr. Carson.

The Twins Finally Meet...

2007-03-02T13:31:00.000-06:00

...and it was a nightmare!

Carson immediately LOVED it, and Kate immediately HATED it. She was kicking, hitting, and pulling on Carson's feeding tube. Carson, in return, sucked on her fingers and shoulders, and just stared at her. All in all, it was funny! You can really tell their size difference in some of the photos I have. (She gained 3 oz overnight!...now 3 lbs, 3 oz) I still don't have a photo of the two of them together worthy enough to go in a birth annoucement, and since Kate was being such a diva today I'm not sure the nurses will be up for another try at a photo session. Oh, and in case you can't tell...Kate's on the left, Carson's on the right. (Notice their crossed legs in the first photo? haha)

Rationalizing my irrational rants...

2007-03-01T22:13:00.000-06:00

I strongly felt the need to post this...

I am not a psychopath! :) I am generally not a moody, emotional, angry person...even though my posts for the past month or so would indicate otherwise. I suppose I just vent out all my anger on my blog so I can put a smile on my face and go about another grueling day at the NICU.

In all honesty, I have a lot to be thankful for. Some of the babies in the NICU are really bad off. I don't know how those parents handle it. My babies are not sick or struggling. They were born too early, they are stable, and they are only there to grow a little bit more. We could be in a much more horrible situation.

Kate finally hit the 3 lbs mark today. Yippee! That's a big milestone for her. Carson is 2 oz short of hitting the 5 lbs mark, and he will probably make that this weekend. Neither were at all interested in bottle feeding again today. Grr! They take a few sucks and then they look at me in such a way that I would swear it had become a battle of wills. If it wasn't so irritating, it would be funny.

I had to call my OB again this afternoon and personally begged him to prescribe a drug they told me about in the NICU. It is to stimulate and promote milk production, and this is my final attempt at it. He called in the meds but did not give me a very big supply. I take it he doesn't have much faith in it, but I am desperate. (I hope he got a good laugh at my 'Oh please make them work. They have to be more than just decorative, right? I want to be a Jersey milking cow!' pleas.)

I don't know what the deal is with my boobs! It has become so frustrating because I am doing everything the I was told to do...drinking a ton of water, getting good sleep, and most importantly, I am pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock for 15 minutes each session. Frankly, it's a pain in the ass, but it would all be worth it if I was producing more than a tablespoon or so at every session.

I hate NICU life!

2007-03-01T08:33:00.000-06:00

I am so ready to hijack the twins out of the hospital! I am getting a little frustrated that Mr. Carson isn't taking to the bottle like I want him to. That is what is keeping him in there. I know bottle feeding is a learned task and that he just needs to mature a little more. The nurses tell me that one day a light switch will go off in his head and he will feed like a champ...but that it could also be weeks away before that happens. The neo doc told me yesterday that he thinks Carson could stay in the hospital for another 2-3 weeks, and Kate will be in there much longer than that just because of the weight she still needs to gain. A week ago, he told me 2-3 weeks before one of them comes home, and now he is extending that time frame. I was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to hit him...him being the neo doc, not Carson.

Perhaps 2-3 weeks doesn't sound that long to someone who hasn't had babies in the ICU, but trust me...it's an eternity! This NICU experience has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with. It is such an incredibly unnatural way to start motherhood.

And I am so sick of people telling me that this is a good thing because it allows me to recover from my c-section and get plenty of rest before they come home. Gimme a break! It's damn near impossible to "rest" when you have babies in the ICU. Also, I was recovered from my surgery before I was even discharged from the hospital. I don't need a month or two to bounce back from that. I am also sick of people calling the NICU my "expensive babysitters." That implies that I want them there.

I hate, hate, hate this! I feel like I am missing out on things. I go up to visit them and the first things the nurses tell me is Kate did this, Carson did that, etc.

I'm just frustrated and desperately missing my babies. I am ready for this chapter to be over with. Now.

Oh, and it hasn't escaped my notice that today is March 1st. Today was my big goal day. Today was the day I focused on throughout my entire pregnancy as the day I desperately needed to hold them in to. I still don't think I'm over the fact that they were born so early. I think as long as I am visiting them in the hospital I will always have it stuck in my head that they are there because they came so early.

Stuff on my mind

2007-02-28T23:06:00.000-06:00

It's so strange not being pregnant anymore. In most ways it's wonderful! My belly (for the most part) is gone. Yesterday I actually put on a pair of pre-pregnant panties and they fit...well, they were a little tight, but they almost fit! I don't need to go to the bathroom every hour. I can almost sleep on my stomach, and laying on my back doesn't hurt or cut off circulation. I can see my feet! All of my swelling is gone. I have much more physical energy and can do things around the house again. The list could go on and on. One thing I am surprised that I miss is my team of docs. After having my incision checked at the OB's, there is a feeling of 'Okay, well have a nice life' in the air. After months of weekly or bi-weekly appointments, I started to feel like I knew these people -- their kids names, their own pregnancy experiences, where they went to school, etc. It's just odd to look at my calendar and not see doc appointments on there, and to know I won't be going back until my next annual Pap exam in a year. I actually kinda-sorta-just-a-little-bit miss my OB and his staff. Very odd.
I am passing up new business every day. Word got out in the NICU that I know a thing or two about real estate, and now they flock to me. Who would have guessed nurses and doctors in the NICU would be such a pond for business. However, I'm out of real estate right now and have no desire or interest to go back anytime soon. I find it rather annoying to be trying to feed one of my babies and have a nurse I don't know start asking me market questions. I have been passing all prospects on to a friend of mine who is still in the game. I hope she likes all the free clients I'm giving her. :)
Speaking of careers, I'm not sure what I am going to do when the time is right for me to go back to work. I never considered real estate my profession. It's what I do to make money -- good money. It's not my passion though. My love, my passion, my education and background is in journalism and politics. It's a tough road though. At some point several years ago, I decided that I wanted a better lifestyle more than I wanted to starve being a reporter or freelance writer. Now things are different. Hubby's career is in a much different place, and I have more freedom to explore it again without fear of financial hardship. Plus, a big election year is already starting to heat up and I feel that pull again. Hmm...what to do, what to do... (By the way, don't just me as a writer based on this blog. There is a reason I call it stream of consciousness.)
Oh, there is other stuff, but I need some sleep.

Carson's Impression of a Traffic Cone

2007-02-28T21:37:00.000-06:00

One of the nice volunteers at the NICU found out that we are UT fans. So she knitted two burnt orange and white knit hats for the twins. Side Effect: He looks like a traffic cone!

Oh, and sorry for all of the up-shots. His little nose really isn't that big, but they have his bed angled in such a way that I always photograph right up his nose!

Just another Wednesday

2007-02-28T08:06:00.000-06:00

I don't have much to post...therefore the absence. The twins are doing well. Kate has a cyst type thing on her right forearm. They think it's where her last IV location was at, but that was well over a week ago. It's about the size of a pea, but on her tiny arm that's huge. They started her on antibiotics last night, even though she isn't showing any signs of infection. We are worried about her.

Carson is still chugging away...fat and happy. :) He is getting to wear clothes now that he can maintain his own body temp. His IV is finally out, and we are all happy about that. With less wires and more clothes on, he actually looks like a cute, content little baby. The only thing holding him back from coming home is his indifference towards bottle feeding. Sometimes he does great with it, and other times he shows no interest.

Kate is eating 30 ml per feeding (30 ml = 1 oz), and Carson is up to 35 ml per feeding. Kate is on a special high-calorie formula mixed in with breast milk.

My mom is coming into town on Friday to visit. I think she will be surprised at how much they have improved in the past two weeks.

Saturday Photos

2007-02-24T14:26:00.000-06:00

Fussy Kate
Carson loves sucking his fingers
When we aren't there, the twins' do artwork!

Not much to report. The babies are doing great. Both have mastered the art of bottle feedings. They are still doing some tube feedings (to conserve calories & energy), but they are taking more than 20 cc in the bottle per feeding.

My long time friend Amanda -- the one I went to DC with -- was in town for business and came up to see the twins.

It's a beautiful day here in Austin. It feels like spring finally. I am trying to wake Hubby from his nap to go look at more professional cameras. I am using the birth of the twins are an excuse to buy the camera I've always wanted. :)

Should I put all of the twins' photos into one big photo album or should I create two books for each twin? I am thinking one day they will want their baby photos and this way they won't have to sort through them and separate them. What do you think? Advice needed.

Bottle Feeding

2007-02-22T14:06:00.000-06:00

For months my blog has been exclusively limited to my twin pregnancy, so this will be a brief change of topic...

Am I the only one who is just sick of and horrified at this whole Anna Nicole Smith legal stuff? I have never been a "fan" of Smith, but I feel sorry for her at this point...regardless of the cause of her death. This circus of a legal proceeding that's on every single cable news channel is an embarrassment to our justice system. As the wife of a lawyer, step-daughter of a state judge, and just generally as an intelligent citizen, this is ridiculous. The judge needs to be strung up. Her mother is disgusting and should be ashamed of herself. Stern seems like a class A free-loader. Birkhead looks to be the sane one, and most likely the father of the baby. I find it amusing that a probate judge is straying so far off the topic of who should make the decision as where to bury her that it's laughable. Anyway, bury the poor woman next to her son. She bought three extra plots next to him, and that shows intent to me. Also, as a Texan, I am tired of the pronunciation butchering of her hometown...Mexia...Ma-hay-uh.

At my incision appointment, I discovered that I have a very slight infection. So I am now cleaning the wound with some special solution, and will have it looked at again next Tuesday. No biggie. They all commented on how good I look now. I've lost 32 lbs in 9 days, and I really do feel back to normal.

Kate drank 4 cc from a nippled bottle today! Big milestone. She was able to suck, swallow and breath. This is a big test, and she passed with flying colors. It exhausted her, but she mastered it. She will continue with tube feeding, but I will be bottle feeding her more and more everyday. She will need to be able to suck down 40 cc in order to go home. Afterwards, I kangarooed her. Sweet baby. :)

I also kangarooed Carson. The entire time I held him he farted up a storm! This is a great thing since it was a massive build up of gas on his tummy that caused all the problems yesterday. He is so cute. He slept, smiled and farted the whole time. :)

I feel good today.

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

2007-02-21T20:39:00.000-06:00

We had another rocky day with Carson in the NICU. We got a call at the crack of dawn this morning that he had thrown up bile overnight, so he would be having some tests and x-rays done. So we rushed up there. To make a long story short, we still aren't completely sure what's wrong with him and they will continue to closely monitor him, but he may just have severe gas. His tummy is slightly bloated looking, his blood work came back perfect, and it looked like gas on the x-rays. He won't be eating for a few days...they want to make sure it's not an infection in the intestines.

*Sigh* I am just spent. I did double duty last night since Hubby claimed to be so tired. So much for our new schedule. Today was going to be my catch-up-on-rest day, but the events with Carson prevented that.

Kate is doing great...just getting her sleep in her little box. I held her for over two hours last night while Carson slept. It's amazing that a little girl that small could be so tough.

She's tougher than I have been lately. I'm now pretty sure I have some mild form of "Baby Blues." Apparently I have most of the signs: twin birth, pre-eclampsia, diabetes or gestational diabetes, NICU stress, pre-term labor/early delivery, difficulty breastfeeding, loss of appetite, insomnia, exhaustion, getting easily irritated, and crying often. Yes on all accounts. I read today that over 85% of mothers of multiples experience some degree of "baby blues." It has something to do with the immediate drop in estrogen and progesterone levels after birth. It usually manifests itself 3-4 days after birth and is gone by 3 weeks post-birth. It's not postpartum depression. It's a hormone adjustment. Postpartum depression is much more serious...suicidal thoughts, hating the babies, etc. I am definitely NOT like that. I just find myself crying a lot, exhausted, and my husband seems to be pissing me off a lot more. Not to mention I've snapped at my mother, mother-in-law, and a few nurses. I can even tell a change in my tone when I re-read my blog posts.

For some stupid reason it's taboo to talk about. I can't even find other women who have blogged about their experiences with it.

The strange thing about the crying is that it's usually irrational. I start to sob and then 10 minutes later I feel great again and I can't remember what set off the crying. It's the damnest thing.

Hubby let me nap this evening and he is up visiting the kiddos tonight. I was finally getting some sleep when my mother-in-law called...again. Grrr. Oh, and I'm trying this herbal stuff recommended by my OB's office called More Milk Plus. It's suppose to help jump start the milk production. I am having my incision checked tomorrow at the OB's...should be fun. ;)

Drum Roll Please...

2007-02-20T16:48:00.000-06:00

Carson without his oxygen mask!

Sleep Glorious Sleep

2007-02-20T08:27:00.000-06:00

What a difference a good night's sleep can make! I feel like a new, re-energized person. I can't remember the last time I slept so hard, and I really needed it.

Hubby had a good visit with the babies last night. It felt strange not going with him, but I need to get used to this new schedule. They moved the twins to a new "bay" (NICU language) due to staffing needs. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. We were finally starting to learn all of the nurse's names and schedules, and meeting the other families in our area. Plus, Katherine's bed was next to the window which was nice since the rest of the NICU looks like a dark cave. They also put Katherine in an incubator (i.e., clear plastic box). They told us days ago this would be happening and that it was a step-up since she has been improving so much, but it's scary looking. He said there were two large holes to stick your arms through, but she was no longer in the open air. We were told that being in "the box" would advance her growth because it's a cozy, warm, quiet space for her to just simply grow.

Hubby kangarooed Kate, and he said Carson was raising holy hell with the nurse. He didn't get a good look, but thought she was changing his diaper. For some reason, our babies don't like when other people touch them. They get very vocal!

Random thought...I had the strangest dream last night. I can't remember all of the details, but it had something to do with catching my mother-in-law putting some type of liquid in my Diet Sprite. When Hubby asked her about it, she confessed that it was fertility drugs and since we produce such pretty babies she wanted more grandchildren. I don't even want to start deconstructing that dream! I will just file it under the bizarre workings of my subconscious category. :)

One Week Down

2007-02-19T19:33:00.000-06:00

Today the twins' turned one week old. I can't decide if this first week flew by or if it was the slowest week in history. Can it be both?

I received a call from the babies' neo doc -- one I haven't met or heard about before. Apparently, this neo doc will be their primary doctor while they are in NICU. He was on vacation last week and that's why we were dealing with so many other docs (they were filling in for him). He seemed nice on the phone, and he wants us to meet with him tomorrow for a face-to-face meeting.

Here's what he had to report:

Katherine...he described her a phenomenal little girl, amazingly strong given her size and age; they are increasing her feedings because she is handling it well and is on the path to gaining weight; tomorrow she will be taken off of her IV and will only have a heart monitor after that (amazing!); she needs to be at or near 4 lbs. to maintain her body temp with no problems.

Carson...they are advancing his feedings as well; he is 2-3 days behind his sister in the food department due to his very rocky first 48 hours of life; he will be on the horrible oxygen mask thing for another 24 hours but it may come off tomorrow morning.

Overall, he said they looked excellent, and one or both of them will be coming home around week 35-36 weeks...unless, of course, something unforeseen happens. I am now in week 33 (or would have been I should say), so we are looking at about 2-3 weeks more of NICU, and that's if all goes well. He also said I really need to rest, drink more water and perhaps cut back on my NICU hours because my milk production is not where it should or needs to be. I completely agree. So, hubby and I are trying a new schedule. I will visit them during the day (and he will focus on his job and work), and hubby will visit them alone at night (and let me rest). On the weekends we will visit them together. Today I put in over 3 hours at the NICU, and I am just exhausted.

I can't continue with the 6-7 hours a day of doing that. Last week I was running on adrenaline, and now I feel like I have physically crashed and burned. My legs hurt, the swelling in my ankles/feet is not getting better, I am not eating nearly enough, my incision feels sore again, I am bleeding more, and I'm having some cramping again. None of these are good signs and I need to just get things back in balance. I feel like I could sleep for days.

I am seeing my OB on Thursday, and I am going in inquire about a drug to help advance my milk production. I really hope he will give me something. I never thought I would say this, but I basically want to feel like Elsie the cow. I want to produce so much milk that I have to freeze it. I want the babies off of donor milk.

P.S. Kate smiled today! I am sure it was just gas since she doesn't have the cognitive ability to express emotions yet, but it was definitely a smile...witnessed by a nurse and all. :) Too cute!

Arrival for fellow pregnant-with-twins chick

2007-02-19T17:39:00.000-06:00

I want to send out a big congratulations to Jessica on the birth of her twins -- Nola and Madeleine. They were born today and look beautiful. She is a fellow (and now ex-) pregnant-with-twins blogger.

Here is her blog...

The Power of Hormones...Bad Night @ NICU

2007-02-19T08:27:00.000-06:00

I spoke too soon about the oxygen mask. We were so excited about going up to the NICU last night because we thought we would get to finally see Carson without all the masks and whatnot. When we got up there, they were still on him.

There was also a respiratory therapist from another local hospital filling in for the regular therapist that night. This woman was a bitch. There is no other nice, sugar-coated way to say it. I asked her about the mask situation and if it was coming off tonight, and she all but called me a liar when I mentioned the neo doc had said that morning it was coming off. She had a cold, piss-poor attitude and was extremely rude. Here's the thing...if Carson still needs help, then by all means keep the mask on and give him the help he still needs. BUT tread lightly when you start getting an attitude and calling a highly emotional NICU mother a liar.

Once she left the room, I did kangaroo time with Carson and Hubby held Kate. Then the emotions flooded to the surface. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Part of it was the disappointment of the mask situation, part of it was my exhaustion (6 hours a day in a NICU is draining), part of it was the realization that this was our life now. I was just a mess. I feel like I've been so strong this week -- both physically and emotionally -- and constantly telling people the twins are doing great (which they are) that it all just caught up with me. The babies are doing great in the NICU. We have been incredibly lucky that our 32 week twins are having no major trouble at all. They had all the cards stacked against them, and they have proven all the docs and stats wrong so far. But, frankly, this sucks! I hate that it takes a team of nurses to hand Carson to me due to all of his wires. If you combined all of the wires I have in my home office -- 2 desktop computers, 2 laptops, fax/copier/printer machine, and phone -- it still wouldn't equal how many wires are connected to my son. After holding him for an hour, the plastic mask thing leaves an indention in my skin where his face had been resting. They are pinning his arms down now because he has pulled out his own feeding tube in his mouth twice now. He tugs and pushes on his mask...he obviously hates it too. Kate is making headway, but she is still so tiny. Sometimes she reminds me of a hairless baby bird in a nest...granted, she is a beautiful baby bird. It's just not the fantasy. It's not what I dreamed about for 8 months. I thought I would make my 36 week goal and would be able to leave the hospital with the twins. I thought a week after delivery I would be complaining about my lack of sleep due to all of the 3 AM feedings. I know we made the right decision to take them out at 32 weeks -- especially after the neo doc told us Kate wouldn't have survived another week in the womb -- but I still can't completely shake the lingering feeling of disappointment. Not in the twins (they are perfect), but in myself for not holding them in longer. Should I have put myself on bed rest sooner? Should I have not done so much shopping in the last few weeks? I could go on. Hubby hates it when I do this because he knows how much I gave up with ensure a successful pregnancy...including my own business.

Before I was released from the hospital last week, the nurses had told me watch out for a lot of emotions and possible depression. Carrying twins means I had an incredible amount of hormones running through me for 8 months and the stress of having babies in the NICU puts me at risk for depression. I don't think so. At least not right now. I think I just had a bad night, and I feel better this morning.

I feel slightly embarrassed I lost it at the NICU last night. It's the second time they've seen me cry, and I don't want them to label me as the basket case mom. If they do that then I'm worried they will be more cautious about what they tell me, and I want to know every little thing (good and bad).

Okay, I better start getting ready for my morning visit to the NICU. Hubby has returned to work today, so this is my first day back with my own car and a slightly normal schedule. Sorry for all the bitching and venting today, but that's why I have a blog. I just needed to get all that off my chest. NICU life is tough and I can't wait to get my babies home.

Good-bye Oxygen Mask

2007-02-18T13:04:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update post...

Our morning NICU visit was great. We got there right as the neo doc was finishing up his morning assessment of the twins. This time it was the same doc that was in the delivery room with me. (There are five neo docs in the NICU that rotate. We like all of them.) He told us that Carson's breathing issue and heart murmur have both been 100% fixed. Carson is doing so well and breathing so normally that they will be removing that horrible looking oxygen mask either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. I can't wait. I still haven't seen his face without any crap on it. Kate also go a good report card. They are both eating all of their food, keeping it down (no "residual"), and both slowly gaining weight. Both of them are now heavier than their birth weights -- they had both lost some weight after birth. So we are happy with the good report card on the twins.

It's a beautiful day here in Austin. I am going to do some work around the house, open the windows to let the house air out, and enjoy the day.

This is sooo gross!

2007-02-17T23:12:00.000-06:00

One of a long list of things "they" don't tell you about until after you are experiencing it post-delivery....

Massively swollen feet and ankles! I was told this is normal. That has something to do with my body re-organizing itself and not knowing where to put the extra fluids my body is trying to expel post-delivery. Anyway, I had Hubby take these nasty photos outside of the NICU because I wanted it documented just how bad it was. It's so bad that I'm having trouble walking because I have no movement in my ankles.

Oh, and for the record...I have bony feet and ankles....always have...so this is what I look like 3 times my normal size.

Yuck!

1st Time Holding Carson

2007-02-17T17:04:00.000-06:00

I finally got to hold my baby Carson today! He is such a doll baby! He wrapped his little hand around my finger and held on tight for a full hour. Like his sister, Carson LOVES kangaroo time with his mommy. His breathing, heart rate and oxygen saturation were all perfect during the hour I held him. I thought we were way over due for some kangaroo time. I thought that he might be having some anxiety being separated from me (i.e., the only thing he knows), so now the nurses want me to hold him as much as possible. As you can see, we finally got a photo of him with his peepers open! Isn't he cute? His eyes look brown right now, but it's still way too soon to tell.

We got another excellent report from the neo docs today. Both kiddos are doing very well. Carson has made huge strides now that his heart murmur is pretty much fixed thanks to some drug therapy. They are both having a few apnea episodes, but that is what you can expect at their age. They are closely monitored (of course), and will grow out of it in a week or so.

The twins apparently love my breast milk, and their digestive systems are working perfectly. They are slowly packing on some weight. They started out taking 3 cc of milk and today they are up to 8 cc!

Update: I just got back from our evening NICU visit. Once again, I held Carson for an hour. And once again, everything went wonderfully. Is it normal for a baby to snore? Light snoring. It was cute and funny, but give me enough time and I can come up with a million things to worry about. Hubby held Kate again, and we are both falling desperately in love with our babies. Someone told me when I was pregnant that you don't really know what true, pure love is until you become a parent. That's not to say you don't love your parents or your spouse, but it's completely different than the love you have for your child. Now I completely understand that sentiment. Amazing!

My C-Section Experience

2007-02-17T07:48:00.000-06:00

I have a few minutes to post something about the birth of my twins before I have another pumping session.

In the days leading up to the c-section I was so bitchy, on edge and scared...and it was all for nothing! Honestly, the C-section wasn't bad at all. The worst part was getting the IV and that's mainly due to a nurse who opposed using the numbing shot first. I didn't even feel them giving me the spinal block. I was waiting and waiting and then I asked, "When are you going to do it?" Just as I said that I could feel all this warmth traveling up and down my body. They laughed and said it was done. Being shaved was interesting. I remember making jokes to the poor nurse who had that task.

My OB came into the OR and said hello, kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I was excited. I just love my OB. However, I expected him to give some kind of play-by-play of events as they were happening, but he didn't. Hubby was sitting next to my head, holding my left hand, and looked scared. I was amazingly calm.

Next thing I heard was the voice of my OB saying, "Happy Birthday Katherine! Hi little girl!" There was no cry. They covered her in a blanket and rushed her out of the room. I didn't even get a glimpse. I looked at Hubby and he looked like he was about to lose it; he squeeze my hand. I could tell he was smiling even though he had on a mask.

Next I felt all kinds of tugging and pulling. Nothing hurt, of course, but I could tell Carson was going to be a lot bigger than his sister based on the amount of effort it took getting him out. It seemed to last forever -- though in reality it was 2 minutes.

Then we heard, "Hey little wiggling worm! You thought you could get away from me?! Happy Birthday Carson!" [Apparently once Kate was out, Carson took advantage of the extra womb room and played a bit of hide-and-seek from my OB.] I got a quick glimpse of him being rushed out. All we saw was two semi-bloody legs up in the air and a big blanket. Hubby snapped a photo.

I looked over again at Hubby. He was sobbing now. Not crying, but sobbing. He leaned close my face and said, "We are parents! You did it." and he kissed me through the mask. All I could do was smile. I wasn't crying. I think I was just in shock that it was all over with.

A few short minutes later, they brought Katherine in to see me. They put her by my face and I kissed her on the cheek. She didn't look anything like I expected. I could tell she was very tiny. The nurse who brought her in said, "She is tiny, but boy is she feisty!" They took her away, and a few minutes later they brought both twins in to see me. They were in a clear plastic box. I didn't get to kiss Carson, but I saw him. He was blowing spit bubbles and was crying. Joy washed over me once I heard him crying.

The twins and Hubby left the room. I wanted Hubby to stay with the babies. He got photos of then being weighed, etc. As they made their way to the elevators to go up to the NICU, the ran into my entourage. So my mom, mother-in-law, aunts, etc. got to see the babies in the clear plastic box. I'm so glad they got to see them there.

I spent an hour in the recovery room. Mom came into to see me. She went on and on about how beautiful the twins are, how they were breathing on their own, etc. I've never seen her beam like that before. Hubby came into the recovery room with a napkin with their heights and weights written on it.

After the recovery room, I went to my private mother-baby room. I stayed there for 4 days. They made me walk to the bathroom (about 6 feet) and to my wheelchair that evening. That was not fun. Lots of bleeding that first and second day. The day after surgery was the worst physically and emotionally for me. I hurt pretty badly and I cried all day.

But after the hurdle of day 2, everything has been smooth. It has now been five days and I feel almost back to normal. I am walking just fine. I am eating, sitting up in bed, etc. I am still sore and I still need to stay on top of my pain meds (I can tell when they are wearing off), but otherwise it's no big deal.

So that's the story. Now it's time to pump some more milk for the kiddos.

Kate & Carson @ 4 Days Old

2007-02-16T17:05:00.000-06:00

Things continue to go well. My entire life now revolves around the NICU hours. There is SO much I need to post, but I just don't have the time right now. I will post something this weekend though. By the way, don't let Carson's tubes and wires scare you. He is breathing on his own (and always has been), but they put an oxygen mask on him just in case he needs some pure oxygen every once in a while. He has been a real little champ, and so has Kate! I am so in love. :)

Milk Arrives & I Go Home

2007-02-15T17:41:00.000-06:00

I have changed all of my pre-birth opinions on breastfeeding. I started pumping a few hours after I delivered, and my milk finally arrived this morning. The babies got their first "mommy meal" this afternoon. [Side Note: The milk tastes yuck. Yes, of course, I tried some. Wouldn't you?]

Both kiddos are doing great. Kate is responding very well to kangaroo care, and the doc is now making it mandatory to do it twice a day with her...for 2 hours total. She obviously loves it, and I love it too. I can't wait to start doing this with Mr. Carson. I need some bonding time with him!

He is doing better. They started him on some medicine to close off that valve and it appears to be working. They will do another eco test tonight to see. Once he is over that hurdle, I can hold him all I want.

I was released from the hospital today. I feel pretty good, but I would love a full night's deep sleep. My back is still killing me. It's a million times worse than the incision area. The nurse said it could last for months. Wonderful!

Well I am off to shower and get ready for another trip to the NICU. I can't wait to see them again.

Oh, and I've lost 23 lbs since I gave birth on Monday. I gained a total of 40 lbs during the pregnancy.

My little Valentines

2007-02-14T13:13:00.000-06:00

Kate loves "kangaroo care" with me! All of the direct skin-to-skin contact is great for both of us.

I am feeling much better today. Yesterday was the worst physically and emotionally. I am still sore and walking like an old lady, but it is much better. I was either not prepared or just kidding myself as to how painful life can be after major abdominal surgery. But like I said, today is better day and I have new pain meds.

I never thought it was possible to fall in love so quickly. They don't look or act anything like I envisioned they would while pregnant, but that makes it all the better. The NICU nurses have me doing "kangaroo care" for at least one hour a day with Kate. Once Carson gets better stabilized, I will do this with him too. They put her on my bare chest (no bra or anything)...they cover her with blankets that have been warmed in the microwave...and I just hold her. She listens to my heart beat, breathing, pumping blood, the sound of my voice...all the things she had while in the womb. It's amazing how she knows me. She clings to me. I'm all she know...me and her twin brother I should say. She is just the sweetest baby girl in the world. She throws a fit when the nurses reposition her, and they all say she is feisty and a fighter. She is a bit yellowish in color, so they are putting her under the special lights tomorrow.

Carson is having to fight more. He has fluid on the lungs. Today we found out that he has a minor heart murmur, but it's something that he will correct himself or they can give him a shot to correct it. It's a tiny hole that naturally closes late in a pregnancy. His didn't close yet because he was born so early. Once the murmur is fixed, he will be able to pump the rest of the fluid off his lungs on his own. So he is closely monitored. I am upset that I haven't gotten to hold him yet...or even gotten a good look at him. He is covered with all kinds of tubes, masks, etc. It makes me feel guilty that Kate is getting all the attention from us right now and he isn't.

It just kills me when I hear him cry...like when the nurses are re-attaching his IV. I hate that I can't hold him and comfort him...or at least hurt the mean nurse who is hurting him. :)

Carson definitely looks like my family...even down to the feet! I can't wait to see all of him. We still don't even know what his eye color is!

Anyway, I will post more later. I am about to shower and head back up to the NICU. I am going home tomorrow around lunch.

Carson

2007-02-13T21:59:00.000-06:00

Katherine

2007-02-13T21:50:00.000-06:00

Kate & Carson are here

2007-02-13T21:29:00.000-06:00

Meeting my daughter

Katherine Bailey "Kate" was born on February 12, 2007 at 1:54 PM in Austin, TX. She weighed 2 lbs, 11 oz and is 16 1/2 inches long. She may be tiny, but she is feisty! Kate is already eating from a nippled bottle and requires no assistance or oxygen in breathing.

Carson Patrick was born at 1:56 PM. He weighed 4 lbs, 4 oz and is 17 1/4 inches long. He looks like his mommy's side of the family, and he is needing some help with his breathing. Overall he is doing great.

They both scored a 9 on the Apgar Test.

The c-section was super easy, but I am really having a horrible recovery. I will post more on this once I am able to physically sit up long enough to do so. I thought I was prepared for the NICU experience but I wasn't.

I am so in love with my new babies, but times are tough right now for everyone. I will post more when I can. Here are some photos in the mean time.

Decompressed

2007-02-11T22:41:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post...

My sanity has somewhat returned and I no longer want to climb a clock tower. I had a nice long talk with Lee Anne and she calmed me down and helped put things in better perspective. She has always been good with that. I tried to talk to Hubby about all of this stuff, but he is just too close to the flame, so to speak. It's nice to have someone you can vent to, but who isn't so close to the situation that they take things personally.

This will be my final post as a "pregnant-with-twins chick." I am sure my next post will be later in the week and will be my "birth experience" story.

Wish me luck because God knows I will need it. I can't remember the last time I was so stressed, nervous and anxious all at the same time. I really hope I will be able to report that it wasn't a big deal at all.

Photos coming soon :)

More Advice...

2007-02-11T14:20:00.000-06:00

I just thought of a few more pieces of advice for pregnant-with-twins women...

Have your baby showers early! Everyone thought I was nuts for having my first one at 22 weeks and my last one at 26 weeks. The first one was out-of-town, so I wanted to get the travelling over with quickly. Plus, we had Christmas to deal with so I had it the first week of December so it wouldn't interfere with people's holiday plans. My last one was here in Austin, and I ended up in the hospital with complications less than 2 weeks later. So it was just in the nick of time! Plus, since I had them early it gave me the freedom of time to really organize the nursery, assess what I still needed, and write my thank you notes. All of this once again has to do with the comparison of singleton vs. twin pregnancies. You really can't wait until well into your third trimester like so many singleton ladies do. You might find yourself in my situation...not having much of a third trimester.
Have a communications liaison. This is a lesson I learned from my cousin who had twins in September. My very good friend Lee Anne has been mine. I gave her a list of people I wanted emailed and a small handful of older relatives (that don't do email) to be called. This way hubby or my mom could make only one phone call (to her) and she could send out the update emails, field the phone calls and reply to questions in people's email replies. We did this when I ended up in the hospital two weeks ago, and it went beautifully. This way me, Hubby and my mom weren't swamped with a million calls of "What's going on? How is Shannon? How are the babies? What did the doctor say? When will those test results be in?" etc. I had her nicely mention in the email for folks not to call my cell number or direct hospital number. My cousin went through a nightmare of constantly ringing phones (both hospital landline and all the cell phones) while she was having needles stuck in her arms or getting updates while her doc was in the room. All of this may sound impersonal to you, but I come from a very large family...plus all of my old co-workers and clients have kept up with my pregnancy; Hubby's co-workers, friends and clients have kept up; a ton of family friends and neighbors; even my Mom's co-workers, friends and clients. It adds up to over 100 people who have insisted on immediate notification...this was the only system that would work and keep us sane. Lee Anne has been a God-sent. I am going to have to treat her to a very nice gift or spa package once all of this is over.
Am I the only one who has found it frustrating that no one has written a week-by-week pregnancy book for twins? I have one for singletons, but there is nothing out there for twins. The same can be said for baby books. I ended up buying a baby book for each twin, but it would have been nice to do one big book.

Last Day of Pregnancy

2007-02-11T13:23:00.000-06:00

I have been on edge today. Okay...bitchy is the better word. I tend to get like that when I am under extreme stress and scared at the same time. It seems like everyone has a damn opinion about the situation, and it's pissing me off. We have been bombarded with phone calls over the past two days, and the calls usually start off with the caller saying, "Tell me everything!" I know people mean well, but throughout my pregnancy I have sent out group emails that have detailed all major changes and whatnot. So everyone knows what's going on and I don't feel like retelling it 50 times in 50 calls. Never before in my life have I felt a stronger urge to be left alone as I have this weekend. I even wish my mother wasn't here. I want to disconnect the phones. The other bizarre item that has been pissing off both me and Hubby is how everyone in the free world is requesting a freaking tour of the NICU once the babies arrive. They don't even half-ass attempt to hide their true intentions...

"I've never seen a 3 pound baby before!"
"I'm dying to see how teeny tiny all those babies are!"
"I can't believe you are giving birth at 32 weeks! Do you know that's two months premature?! I want to see what a 32 week old baby looks like!"
Etc.

And I'm not talking about immediate family members. I'm talking about my husband's office manager -- who we do not know socially and who just had a baby of her own in December. Very distant relatives and even a former neighbor. It takes everything I have in me not to yell FUCK YOU into the phone. How dare people treat my babies -- who will be fighting and struggling for their own lives -- like a damn circus sideshow.

To be very honest, I wish this whole matter was a private affair. I wish it was just me and hubby. No family in the waiting room. No friends travelling across the state for this. No one. Just us. We have people calling wanting directions (try MapQuest people!). We have people calling for hotel suggestions. I hate it. I hate all of it. I just want to be left alone. This is a high-risk, high-stress, emotional thing for us.

I had no idea I would feel like this. I guess it's the last surprise of pregnancy. The bad aspect to having a birth planned for a few days is that it gives people plenty of time to bug you and make plans to bug you even more in person...when my focus should be on the condition of my babies, breastfeeding (which, yes, I will HAVE TO do while they are in NICU), and my own recovery after surgery. I am pretty sure I am going to tell the nurses to block people from coming into my post-surgery room.

And it amazes me how people tell me these stories of horrible c-sections. In the past two days, I've heard from a friend's cousin that it felt like she was being sawed in half. I've also heard from a friend of a friend of my mother-in-law's that the spinal didn't work completely and she could feel most of the surgery. And the stories continue. Is this really the kind of shit you tell a woman right before she has that same surgery? Either I am surrounded by the dumbest people God ever created or people just have no tact or common sense at all.

So, like I said, I'm on edge today. I am no longer answering my phone. Hubby answers and tells people I am napping. I just want to cry and be shut into my bedroom. I will post something tomorrow morning before I head to the hospital. Oh how I wish they could give me a light sedative because today I feel like climbing a clock tower and taking some people out. (Figure of speech, of course)

And the babies have been kicking up a storm today. I think they know they are about to get evicted and aren't happy about it!

Twins Pass NST @ Hospital

2007-02-10T13:04:00.000-06:00

Everything went well at the non-stress test/baby monitoring this morning at the hospital. The babies cooperated and they both passed their tests. C-section still happening on Monday though. Very happy they passed the tests...only wish they would have been on the ball yesterday!

Mom arrived this morning and was at our house when we got back from the hospital. We visited for an hour and now she is out shopping...AGAIN. Have I mentioned how my mom has more energy than a poodle on speed? It drives us nuts. She can't just chill and visit with us. After a while, it starts to stress me out watching her look for things to do. Strangely enough, she wasn't anything like that when I was living at home and growing up. Total personality change.

So I plan on having a nice, relaxing weekend. It's my last weekend before becoming a mom. Unreal. :)

Not ready to say goodbye to the big, hard belly

2007-02-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

I am such an emotional wreck right now. Hubby crashed early, which left me plenty of time to sit and really digest all of the new developments. That led to me sitting in my dimly lit home office, looking at my collection of belly and ultrasound photos, and crying. I guess I am not ready for my pregnancy to be over with. I have truly loved it. I've come to realize there are two types of pregnant women...those who love it and those who don't. I am definitely the former. I have been amazed and amused at how drastically my body has changed. I love the late night kicking sprees. I loved my less-than-fashionable maternity clothes. I loved everything about the whole experience. I feel protective of these little babies, and always felt re-assured that at least they were in my belly...so I had some level of control over their well-being and safety. Now they are about the enter the world -- two months early -- and the safety of my belly has now turned on them. They will better off out in the world than inside of me. The only thing that has stopped me from having just a total emotional melt down is the excitement of finally seeing them soon. The big mystery will be solved. I hope we (docs included) are making the right decision in taking them out now. In some bizarre way, I feel cheated. I feel cheated out of two additional months of being pregnant -- even though I knew it was unrealistic to think I could carry to 40 weeks. I feel cheated out of the experience of going into labor, water breaking, etc. I know the NICU experience will make me feel cheated too since I won't get to see, hold, bond with them like other new moms. I am sure I sound ridiculous right now, but I'm just so emotional right now. I can't help it.

I hope they don't come tomorrow. I hope I can hold out until Monday. I need a few more days, but I've learned during the last two troubled weeks that I really don't have much control over anything anymore.

To all the pregnant-with-twins chicks out there in the blogosphere that read my blog, here is some advice I've learned through this experience...

No matter how smooth everything has gone in your pregnancy, really start to watch your activity level post week 28. If possible, put yourself on self-imposed modified bed rest.
Keep on eye out for excessive swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles. Don't just write it off as typical pregnancy stuff.
It's never too early to get the nursery and baby(ies) gear ready. Things can happen very fast in a twin pregnancy.
Don't compare your experience and time line to friends and family who have only had singleton pregnancies. It's truly not the same.
When the OB tells you to call if there has been a change of any kind on fetal movement, he/she isn't kidding. CALL THEM. Don't feel stupid doing it either. Too much or too little activity is a problem.
Keep a blog. It's the best journal in the world, and you will find a whole community of other women experiencing the same thing you are at the same time.

I know I could think of a million other little things, but I need to get to bed early tonight. Hopefully I will be able to post good things tomorrow, and get myself ready for the big event on Monday afternoon.

My C-Section has been scheduled!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-09T17:06:00.000-06:00

It's a long story, but...

The twins' c-section as been scheduled for 1:30 PM (CST) on Monday, February 12th. I am so excited...and scared...and hyper...and numb.

I have another hospital ultrasound tomorrow morning. So, it's possible that they could be born tomorrow if they see it as an emergency. But I doubt that will happen.

Details later!

P.S. I started week 32 today.